Slithery When Wet

by Kraken Not Stirred

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released February 20, 2015

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Kraken Not Stirred Toronto, Ontario

Nerd Rock created by a monstrous sea creature and beamed into the head of its pathetic human minion.

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Track Name: The Confunk
I'm at the con
And I'm feelin' allright
Lots of hot Slave Leias here tonight
Go to a panel
On the Walking Dead
And I'm wearin' my finest Malcolm Reynolds threads

Me and my nerds
Walk into the room
Back and to left, our heads go BOOM
Damn
Our noses, we cover
What an incredible smell we've discovered

Something offends my olfactory senses
And I'm not tryin' to cause offences
But this room smells like Sasquatch's sweaty junk
It's the Confunk

This is a Public
Service Announcement
This problem
It can be surmounted
If you don't know who I'm talkin' 'bout in the room
Then like the sucker at a poker table, it's about you

You're rank
And it's makin' me ill
You're lettin' down
The rest of your guild
Consider it an IRL side quest
Or the muggles will never let the aphorism rest

Your Federation uniform's a bit ripe
Way to promote that stereotype.
You're never gonna get into Inara's trunk
You got the Confunk.

To the Trekkies and the Browncoats
Please don't be afraid of the soap
To the Whovians and the MSTies
Don't forget to get your costume drycleaned
First thing in the day
Before you let the Warriors come out to play
Lather up your bits
And bullseye the womprat you got in your pits

I think they need
to install a vent
At the Magic: The Gathering tournament
I'm glad you played
that Ember Gale
But it doesn't help you with your shower fail.

You smell like
You've been in a tauntaun
And you got a caricature of you drawn
as a dragon
but it's a travesty
Because those are stink lines, not majesty

I see you hitting on that cute Gelfling
But you don't know your stank ain't helping
You're gonna end up alone in your bunk
It's the Confunk.
Track Name: Buffy Marathon
We got some take out
From the double-meat palace
We got some beer (not bad)
To fill our chalice

Me and the pack are gonna stay up late
Gonna carry on until the harsh light of day
Everybody brought their yellow crayon
For the Buffy marathon!

It's time to Hush
and don't be restless
While the Chosen One
Defends the defenseless

Sending those demons back to hell
and Willow's still got me under her spell
This is even better than hangin' out at the Bronze
It's a Buffy Marathon!

She alone can save us from the vampires and the flayers
She is one of my top two favourite slayers

It's a comedy monster horror chiller
I think this line's mostly filler
And I'm gettin' ideas for the next costume con
It's a Buffy Marathon!

Once more with feeling!
Track Name: Damn Vampires
The kids in Santa Carla are all lookin' pale
They got bad breath and long fingernails
They sleep all day and wear sunglasses inside
Seems they got a little tired of bein' alive
Muffy Tepperman is not bein' her usual square
Jack Baeur looks ridiculous with bleached-out hair

They got my grandson, his brother's mad as hell
He's living underground at the vampire hotel
The kid and Corey Haim and that other dumb fart
are gonna drive stakes through all of their hearts
There's a greased-up sax player and a terrible band
But the one thing about this town I never could stand
is all the damn vampires

Now I see 'em everywhere on my TV
But they're handsome and they glitter, pretty as can be
Nosferatu would rip Edward to bits
And True Blood is only good because of Sooki's tits
Spike would be allright if he were evil again
But the one thing on my TV that I wanna see end
Is all the damn vampires

Now they wear eyeliner and big black boots
They stomp around to music that goes oontz oontz oontz
Don't know where they will find a virgin in this town
but I thank the purple one for teaching me to count
I'll admit I'm part Goth on my mother's side
But the one thing about this club that I can't abide
Is all the damn vampires

Don't know why everyone is not as sick of them yet
But they're not as overdone as Zombies or dubstep

VONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE!
FIVE SHOTS AT ZE OUTRO! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!
Track Name: The Ballad of Han Solo
Listen up, people, gonna tell you 'bout
How a hero got made of a lecherous lout
A smuggler and a scoundrel who liked to bet
He lived by the gun and he liked to fight
But that space pirate saved my life
So I stuck by him to pay off my life debt

Off we went to Mos Eisley
That hive of scum and villainy
To chill out in a cantina, just relaxin'
The drinks were warm and the band was hot
Then again, there weren't much that was not
With two suns in the sky, I felt I needed a waxin'

We both had prices on our heads
An' I figured we'd both soon be dead
When we got to talkin' to a kid an' some old man
Well, Han was desperate and couldn't say no
When they offered up a buttload of dough
To fly them an' their droids to Alderaan

Then a bounty hunter came for some loot
so Han took his gun out of his boot
And killed that sucker dead right on the spot
And just one thing that I should mention
though I know that it's been a point of contention
Greedo never even took a shot

His name was Han Solo
Many credits he did owe
To a gangster out on Tattooine
So he took the boy
the old man and the droids
away to Alderaan for quite a fee

It was the weirdest ride since I can't remember
Turns out they were a couple of cult members
All the kid did was whine, complain and moan.
Whine about this and whine about that
But Han wasn't puttin' up with that crap,
He said, "Shut your mouth or you'll find yourself floatin' home

When we dropped outta hyperspace
Alderaan was gone and in its place
Was a bunch o' rocks just floatin' there an' here
A couple chunks bounced off the hood
Yeah, it was blowed it up real good
Crumbled just like Pete Mayhew's career.

Well, we couldn't get outta there too soon
But then we spotted a small moon
And a tractor beam got us before you know
All I could think was "what in tarnation"
Turned out the moon was a space station
And the tractor beam sucked more than Attack of the Clones

We saved a princess from her captors
Then we got stuck in a garbage compactor
Then she called me a walking carpet with a frown
We snuck around tryin' to not be seen
While the old man shut off the tractor beam
Then the Dark Lord went and struck the old man down

His name was Han Solo
Adventurin' he did go
Through outer space to planets near and far
He rescued the girl
And saved thousands of worlds
And got the plans to blow up the death star

We got back to the rebel base
On a moon in outer space
And I thought that they were all kinda nuts
They said "We're gonna kill Darth Vader"
But Han, he said, "I'll see you later."
And took his reward off to see the Hutts

I thought that foolishness was done
And we could stop bein' on the run
And maybe find a beach full of Wookiee poon
But he turned around and went right back
And hit them up with a surprise attack
And said, you're all clear kid, now shoot that metal moon

He never said why he went back
But I'm sure it was 'cause of Leia's rack
But they put it down to heroic selflessness
The kid bullseyed it good n' mean
Like a womprat from a T-16
He scored the goal but Han got the assist

The rebels lined up and stood real still
It looked like Triumph of the Will
But everyone was happy as could be
We walked the aisle with our new friend
And R2 was all shined up again
And everyone got a stinkin' medal but me

His name was Han Solo
His small heart, it did grow
Three sizes that day, at least that's what he claims
He turned that rig around
And took it back uptown
And nearly got us killed to impress a babe
Track Name: Reaver Attack
Like the boogey man from out of stories
But much more violent and much more gory
Killing each other, cuttin their own face
Were they just men who saw the edge of space?

Eatin' people alive,
livin' on the run
Please tell me,
where does that get fun?

It's a reaver attack
Don't look back
They're covered in blood and dressed in black
Like Charlie Sheen after a hit of smack
It's a reaver... REAVER ATTACK!

They're gonna tear you limb-from-limb
They'll rip you apart and eat your skin
They won't ask you about your sin,
They'll just crush you like a leaf on the wind

They're cannibalistic,
insane freaks,
Yet somehow they can run
an organized space fleet

It's a reaver attack
Don't look back
They'll eat your grandmother for an evening snack
They cheered when the AT-AT stepped on Dak.
It's a reaver... REAVER ATTACK!

It's a reaver attack
They slash and hack
Maybe we should calm them down with some pax
Or send a little girl out with an axe
It's a reaver... REAVER ATTACK!
Track Name: Robot Invasion of Earth
Robot Invasion of Earth
Robot Invasion of Earth
Make Humans regret their birth
Robot Invasion of Earth

We invade on Hallowe'en
Scariest thing you've ever seen
Robot Invasion of Earth

Humans, bow. Accept your fate
We've come to exterminate
Robot Invasion of Earth

We've come to probe, and mangle cows
Fox Mulder can't save you now.
Robot Invasion of Earth0
Track Name: The Tech Support Blues
Woke up this morning
Hadda go to work
Talked to a bunch of people
treated me like a jerk
'cause they got broken computers
they dunno how to fix
so they call me up
and they scream and they whine and they bitch

I got the blues
The tech support blues
I got the brown cubicle downtown
The tech support blues

They think a computer virus
Is something they can catch
They think they got an iPad
but they got an etch-a-sketch
These people get confused
by a speak-n-spell
I'll bet they still got VCRs
And the clocks are blinkin' twelve

I got the blues
The tech support blues
I got the regret of the 'net in my headset
The tech support blues

They can't explain their problems
Can't read me the error
I think the real problem exists
Between the keyboard and the chair
So I get drunk with my co-workers
Every Friday at ten
Maybe if we drink enough
We'll be on the same level as them

We got the blues
The tech support blues
We dwell in hell then kill off our brain cells
'cause of the tech support blues
Track Name: Shark With Wheels and Hands
He's a shark
with wheels and hands
he can push his wheels to roll across the lands
he don't wear hats
and he don't wear pants
Because he is a shark with wheels and hands

Ain't nobody knows where he came from
created by a mad scientist, they say.
Or a highly improbable turn of evolution
but if you hear him rollin' best get out of the way

'cause he's a shark
with wheels and hands
he'll roll up to you and bite you on the glans
He'll roll through Spain
and he'll roll through France
Because he is a shark with wheels and hands

He's a shark
with wheels and hands
Look out if he comes at you with a lance
Well, he don't drive
and he don't dance
Because he is a shark with wheels and hands.
Track Name: Shut Up, Ted
If you comment on my stepmom one more time,
I'll tell your dad you stole his keys
Yes, I know that I've got the hots for her
I don't need you reminding me
Our band's headed for a certain doom
While my dad goes for it in my own room

Shut up, Ted
Shut up, Ted
Stop talking about my stepmom
And don't ask her to the prom again
Shut up, Ted

In a bad TARDIS ripoff with a broken antenna
We'll travel and collect
Personages of historical significance
WHo are strangely fine with it
My excellent friend, don't be a fool
Or you'll get sent to military school

Shut up, Ted
Shut up, Ted
Collect an historical figure
or our band will soon be dead
Shut up, Ted
Shut up, Ted
Travel back in time and drop
a garbage can on your dad's head
and Shut up, Ted

Our band could save the world
But not if we don't get to play
We cannot get distracted
by a couple of historical babes
I believe our adventure through time
Has taken a most serious turn
I don't this is what
Mr. Ryan wanted us to learn
A couple of royal ugly dudes
Have treated us agregiously
And I'd hate to see you killed
by some medieval dickweed
Or put in the Iron Maiden

So Shut up, Ted
Shut up, Ted
Unless you know Eddie Van Halen
Or maybe Stevie Salas, instead
Shut up, Ted
Don't do anything stupid
Like the Matrix Reloaded
Shut up, Ted
Stop shooting Dennis Hopper
and don't go surfin' with Swayze instead.
Shut up, Ted

"Whoa."
Track Name: Simply Rock Into Mordor
We were just another band outta Bag-End
on the road and tryin' to make ends meet
Playin' all the Inns
*and avoiding goblins
gettin paid in ale and meat

Playin' at the Prancing Pony
Down near Buckleberry Dock
Our heavy methril
Gave the people a thrill
We were playin' some razor sharp rock

Playing for a week in Rivendell
A Wizard came to see us one night
He rode a white steed
and smoked a lot of pipe weed
and said, "I think this Hobbit band's outta sight."

He had a ring he needed discarded
Into the fires from wence it came
though we might get fried
by the all-seeing eye
He promised us fortune and fame

We'll simply rock into Mordor
We're gonna walk through the front door
No need to chop up some orc gore
We'll simply rock...
Rock into Mordor

So he took us to the Council of Elrond
And he laid out all of the facts
We got Aragorn
And Legolas' horns
And of course Gimli offered his axe

Not everybody liked it
The plan met with mixed results
This one little knob
Thought it should be his job
And Ned Stark wanted a catapult

So we talked to the Booker of Sauron
And got a gig behind the Black Gates
We got up the chutzpah
To play Uglik's bar mitzvah
And they paid a pretty decent rate

We'll simply rock into Mordor
We're gonna stop at the beer store
Drink a bock then drink four more
We'll simply rock...
Rock into Mordor

Rocking out at our big finale
I was about to throw the ring in the flame
When a freak came on stage
in a coked out rage
"My precious!" he did exclaim

He said, "Give the precious back to Smeagol"
And he pushed past the rest of the band
Evaded Security
And he jumped on me
And bit a finger off of my fretting hand

Then he fell right into the lava
As he died, I swear I saw him smile
Sauron was stopped
Middle-Earth was rocked
And the pyro drove the audience wild

We simply rocked into Mordor
We gave a shock to the Orc Lord
Everybody hopped on the dance floor
We simply rocked...
Rocked into Mordor