Slithery When Wet

by Kraken Not Stirred

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1.
The Confunk 03:47
I'm at the con And I'm feelin' allright Lots of hot Slave Leias here tonight Go to a panel On the Walking Dead And I'm wearin' my finest Malcolm Reynolds threads Me and my nerds Walk into the room Back and to left, our heads go BOOM Damn Our noses, we cover What an incredible smell we've discovered Something offends my olfactory senses And I'm not tryin' to cause offences But this room smells like Sasquatch's sweaty junk It's the Confunk This is a Public Service Announcement This problem It can be surmounted If you don't know who I'm talkin' 'bout in the room Then like the sucker at a poker table, it's about you You're rank And it's makin' me ill You're lettin' down The rest of your guild Consider it an IRL side quest Or the muggles will never let the aphorism rest Your Federation uniform's a bit ripe Way to promote that stereotype. You're never gonna get into Inara's trunk You got the Confunk. To the Trekkies and the Browncoats Please don't be afraid of the soap To the Whovians and the MSTies Don't forget to get your costume drycleaned First thing in the day Before you let the Warriors come out to play Lather up your bits And bullseye the womprat you got in your pits I think they need to install a vent At the Magic: The Gathering tournament I'm glad you played that Ember Gale But it doesn't help you with your shower fail. You smell like You've been in a tauntaun And you got a caricature of you drawn as a dragon but it's a travesty Because those are stink lines, not majesty I see you hitting on that cute Gelfling But you don't know your stank ain't helping You're gonna end up alone in your bunk It's the Confunk.
2.
We got some take out From the double-meat palace We got some beer (not bad) To fill our chalice Me and the pack are gonna stay up late Gonna carry on until the harsh light of day Everybody brought their yellow crayon For the Buffy marathon! It's time to Hush and don't be restless While the Chosen One Defends the defenseless Sending those demons back to hell and Willow's still got me under her spell This is even better than hangin' out at the Bronze It's a Buffy Marathon! She alone can save us from the vampires and the flayers She is one of my top two favourite slayers It's a comedy monster horror chiller I think this line's mostly filler And I'm gettin' ideas for the next costume con It's a Buffy Marathon! Once more with feeling!
3.
Listen up, people, gonna tell you 'bout How a hero got made of a lecherous lout A smuggler and a scoundrel who liked to bet He lived by the gun and he liked to fight But that space pirate saved my life So I stuck by him to pay off my life debt Off we went to Mos Eisley That hive of scum and villainy To chill out in a cantina, just relaxin' The drinks were warm and the band was hot Then again, there weren't much that was not With two suns in the sky, I felt I needed a waxin' We both had prices on our heads An' I figured we'd both soon be dead When we got to talkin' to a kid an' some old man Well, Han was desperate and couldn't say no When they offered up a buttload of dough To fly them an' their droids to Alderaan Then a bounty hunter came for some loot so Han took his gun out of his boot And killed that sucker dead right on the spot And just one thing that I should mention though I know that it's been a point of contention Greedo never even took a shot His name was Han Solo Many credits he did owe To a gangster out on Tattooine So he took the boy the old man and the droids away to Alderaan for quite a fee It was the weirdest ride since I can't remember Turns out they were a couple of cult members All the kid did was whine, complain and moan. Whine about this and whine about that But Han wasn't puttin' up with that crap, He said, "Shut your mouth or you'll find yourself floatin' home When we dropped outta hyperspace Alderaan was gone and in its place Was a bunch o' rocks just floatin' there an' here A couple chunks bounced off the hood Yeah, it was blowed it up real good Crumbled just like Pete Mayhew's career. Well, we couldn't get outta there too soon But then we spotted a small moon And a tractor beam got us before you know All I could think was "what in tarnation" Turned out the moon was a space station And the tractor beam sucked more than Attack of the Clones We saved a princess from her captors Then we got stuck in a garbage compactor Then she called me a walking carpet with a frown We snuck around tryin' to not be seen While the old man shut off the tractor beam Then the Dark Lord went and struck the old man down His name was Han Solo Adventurin' he did go Through outer space to planets near and far He rescued the girl And saved thousands of worlds And got the plans to blow up the death star We got back to the rebel base On a moon in outer space And I thought that they were all kinda nuts They said "We're gonna kill Darth Vader" But Han, he said, "I'll see you later." And took his reward off to see the Hutts I thought that foolishness was done And we could stop bein' on the run And maybe find a beach full of Wookiee poon But he turned around and went right back And hit them up with a surprise attack And said, you're all clear kid, now shoot that metal moon He never said why he went back But I'm sure it was 'cause of Leia's rack But they put it down to heroic selflessness The kid bullseyed it good n' mean Like a wamprat from a T-16 He scored the goal but Han got the assist The rebels lined up and stood real still It looked like Triumph of the Will But everyone was happy as could be We walked the aisle with our new friend And R2 was all shined up again And everyone got a stinkin' medal but me His name was Han Solo His small heart, it did grow Three sizes that day, at least that's what he claims He turned that rig around And took it back uptown And nearly got us killed to impress a babe
4.
Like the boogey man from out of stories But much more violent and much more gory Killing each other, cuttin their own face Were they just men who saw the edge of space? Eatin' people alive, livin' on the run Please tell me, where does that get fun? It's a reaver attack Don't look back They're covered in blood and dressed in black Like Charlie Sheen after a hit of smack It's a reaver... REAVER ATTACK! They're gonna tear you limb-from-limb They'll rip you apart and eat your skin They won't ask you about your sin, They'll just crush you like a leaf on the wind They're cannibalistic, insane freaks, Yet somehow they can run an organized space fleet It's a reaver attack Don't look back They'll eat your grandmother for an evening snack They cheered when the AT-AT stepped on Dak. It's a reaver... REAVER ATTACK! It's a reaver attack They slash and hack Maybe we should calm them down with some pax Or send a little girl out with an axe It's a reaver... REAVER ATTACK!
5.
The kids in Santa Carla are all lookin' pale They got bad breath and long fingernails They sleep all day and wear sunglasses inside Seems they got a little tired of bein' alive Muffy Tepperman is not bein' her usual square Jack Baeur looks ridiculous with bleached-out hair They got my grandson, his brother's mad as hell He's living underground at the vampire hotel The kid and Corey Haim and that other dumb fart are gonna drive stakes through all of their hearts There's a greased-up sax player and a terrible band But the one thing about this town I never could stand is all the damn vampires Now I see 'em everywhere on my TV But they're handsome and they glitter, pretty as can be Nosferatu would rip Edward to bits And True Blood is only good because of Sooki's tits Spike would be allright if he were evil again But the one thing on my TV that I wanna see end Is all the damn vampires Now they wear eyeliner and big black boots They stomp around to music that goes oontz oontz oontz Don't know where they will find a virgin in this town but I thank the purple one for teaching me to count I'll admit I'm part Goth on my mother's side But the one thing about this club that I can't abide Is all the damn vampires Don't know why everyone is not as sick of them yet But they're not as overdone as Zombies or dubstep VONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! FIVE SHOTS AT ZE OUTRO! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!
6.
Robot Invasion of Earth Robot Invasion of Earth Make Humans regret their birth Robot Invasion of Earth We invade on Hallowe'en Scariest thing you've ever seen Robot Invasion of Earth Humans, bow. Accept your fate We've come to exterminate Robot Invasion of Earth We've come to probe, and mangle cows Fox Mulder can't save you now. Robot Invasion of Earth0
7.
Woke up this morning Hadda go to work Talked to a bunch of people treated me like a jerk 'cause they got broken computers they dunno how to fix so they call me up and they scream and they whine and they bitch I got the blues The tech support blues I got the brown cubicle downtown The tech support blues They think a computer virus Is something they can catch They think they got an iPad but they got an etch-a-sketch These people get confused by a speak-n-spell I'll bet they still got VCRs And the clocks are blinkin' twelve I got the blues The tech support blues I got the regret of the 'net in my headset The tech support blues They can't explain their problems Can't read me the error I think the real problem exists Between the keyboard and the chair So I get drunk with my co-workers Every Friday at ten Maybe if we drink enough We'll be on the same level as them We got the blues The tech support blues We dwell in hell then kill off our brain cells 'cause of the tech support blues
8.
He's a shark with wheels and hands he can push his wheels to roll across the lands he don't wear hats and he don't wear pants Because he is a shark with wheels and hands Ain't nobody knows where he came from created by a mad scientist, they say. Or a highly improbable turn of evolution but if you hear him rollin' best get out of the way 'cause he's a shark with wheels and hands he'll roll up to you and bite you on the glans He'll roll through Spain and he'll roll through France Because he is a shark with wheels and hands He's a shark with wheels and hands Look out if he comes at you with a lance Well, he don't drive and he don't dance Because he is a shark with wheels and hands.
9.
If you comment on my stepmom one more time I'll tell your dad you stole his keys Yes, I know that I've got the hots for her I don't need you reminding me Our band's headed for a certain doom while my dad goes for it in my own room Ted Shut up, Ted Stop talking about my stepmom And don't ask her to the prom again Shut up, Ted In a bad TARDIS ripoff with a broken antenna we'll travel and collect Personages of historical significance Who are strangely fine with it My excellent friend, don't be a fool Or you'll get sent to Alaskan military school Ted Shut up, Ted Collect an historical figure Or our band will soon be dead Shut up, Ted Travel back in time and drop a garbage can on your dad's head Shut up, Ted Our band could save the world But not if we don't get to play We cannot get distracted by A couple of historical babes I belive our adventure through time Has taken a most serious turn And I don't think this is what Mr. Ryan wanted us to learn A couple of royal ugly dudes Have treated us egregiously And I'd hate to see you killed By some medieval dickweed Or put in the iron maiden... ...EXCELLENT! So shut up Ted Shut up, Ted Unless you know Eddie Van Halen Or maybe Stevie Salas, instead Shut up, Ted Don't do anything stupid Like The Matrix Reloaded Shut up, Ted Stop shooting Dennis Hopper And don't go surfin' with Swayze instead Shut up, Ted Shut up, Ted
10.
We were just another band outta Bag-End on the road and tryin' to make ends meet Playin' all the Inns *and avoiding goblins gettin paid in ale and meat Playin' at the Prancing Pony Down near Buckleberry Dock Our heavy methril Gave the people a thrill We were playin' some razor sharp rock Playing for a week in Rivendell A Wizard came to see us one night He rode a white steed and smoked a lot of pipe weed and said, "I think this Hobbit band's outta sight." He had a ring he needed discarded Into the fires from wence it came though we might get fried by the all-seeing eye He promised us fortune and fame We'll simply rock into Mordor We're gonna walk through the front door No need to chop up some orc gore We'll simply rock... Rock into Mordor So he took us to the Council of Elrond And he laid out all of the facts We got Aragorn And Legolas' horns And of course Gimli offered his axe Not everybody liked it The plan met with mixed results This one little knob Thought it should be his job And Ned Stark wanted a catapult So we talked to the Booker of Sauron And got a gig behind the Black Gates We got up the chutzpah To play Uglik's bar mitzvah And they paid a pretty decent rate We'll simply rock into Mordor We're gonna stop at the beer store Drink a bock then drink four more We'll simply rock... Rock into Mordor Rocking out at our big finale I was about to throw the ring in the flame When a freak came on stage in a coked out rage "My precious!" he did exclaim He said, "Give the precious back to Smeagol" And he pushed past the rest of the band Evaded Security And he jumped on me And bit a finger off of my fretting hand Then he fell right into the lava As he died, I swear I saw him smile Sauron was stopped Middle-Earth was rocked And the pyro drove the audience wild We simply rocked into Mordor We gave a shock to the Orc Lord Everybody hopped on the dance floor We simply rocked... Rocked into Mordor

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released February 20, 2015

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Kraken Not Stirred Toronto, Ontario

Nerd Rock created by a monstrous sea creature and beamed into the head of its pathetic human minion.

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