Most Moistest Hits 2020

by Kraken Not Stirred

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    My greatest hits from 2020! (Also all of my songs from 2020)
    11 awesome tunes of nerd rock greatness, plus a 27 page booklet.
    Purchasable with gift card

      $7 CAD  or more

     

1.
I've got penal angina in my shuttlecock And a poopdeck crumpet on my Kumquat The uvula bungholes the goldenrod And Uranus sheep shank's the glottlestop The thespian’s defenestrated The flugelhorn’s invaginated These are words that sound rude We’re gonna torque that cockapoo These are words that sound like a curdled dipthong These are words that sound obscene The coccyx dollop is gleaned So masticate that turdiform sexagon The philatelist has rectory dongles The cockeyed plinth is a crotchety cockle The porcine patella is humpenscrump To flange the fast and bulbous sack-butt The bumfiddler is on the frigate Lugubrious flume, it has a dingus These are words that sound rude We’re gonna torque that cockapoo These are words that sound like a curdled dipthong These are words that sound obscene The coccyx dollop is gleaned So masticate that turdiform sexagon Moist! These are words that sound rude We’re gonna torque that cockapoo These are words that sound like a curdled dipthong These are words that sound obscene The coccyx dollop is gleaned So masticate that turdiform sexagon
2.
My heart went pow when you walked in the room My eyes went boop and my mind went whoom My jaw went clunk and my tongue went slap I heard a lightning bolt go zap Your web went thwip and my heart went hurk You reeled me in and my soul went gurk I went ping and you went wheee You had me in captivity My tongue went splat and my feet went zoom All my brain fall down go boom My breath went gah! and something went sproing BOI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OING! Bif baf wham ktang crunch bam Crash clang kzzzart You superhero noised my heart Bleep bloop thwap Thoom kerplop zap Fump Bamf argh! You superhero noised my heart Gzzzt! Klank! Smack! Sock! Ka-Pow! Whap! Whoosh! Thud! Bang! K’tang! Fwap! Boof! Thunk! Fooom! Bwap! Krunk! Brap! B-r-r-t! Kloom! Ka-choom! Gzzzt! Klank! Smack! Sock! Ka-Pow! Whap! Whoosh! Thud! Bang! K’tang! Fwap! Boof! Thunk! Fooom! Bwap! Kloom! KA-BOOM!!! Bif baf wham ktang crunch bam Crash clang kzzzart You superhero noised my heart Bleep Bloop thwap Thoom kerplop zap Fump Bamf argh! You superhero noised my heart
3.
Instrumental
4.
No it is not.
5.
It's the fifth song on the album It’s like music’s middle child Never added to a playlist And it never gets played live It's stuck between two better songs and it's only just allright It's the fifth song on the album And it's fine It's not necessarily bad But there's better to be had At least it's often short, mercifully It's not the album's killer Like musical starchy filler Like potatoes in a nice chicken roti It's not the album's prime So you skip it every time Maybe you'll give it another chance one day It's not regrettable It's just forgettable But nobody buys albums anymore anyway We'll take a Bullet Ride To The Great Gig in the Sky See the Octopus's Garden and its Tears We'll go out takin' shots And do the Misty Mountain Hop To the non-existent song on Hemispheres We're Fixing a Hole At the Electric Funeral I Believe the Winter Problem Child The Duelists will Inject Me And shout Poyekhali! Tell Miss Gradenko that it's Wendy Time
6.
On a world that is a disk atop four elephants on the back of a giant turtle out in space Where the light moves slow And all the wizards know that Unseen University's the place Where the grimoires are alive And if you would survive an ability to run fast is required The magic's palpable And Death speaks in capitals in Ankh Morpork where the river is on fire A librarian is seen In robes of octarine He might have been named Dr. Horace Worblehat He used to be a man Now he's an orangutan And he's refused all efforts to be transformed back Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Said the Librarian Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Said the Librarian Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Said the Librarian Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Now he can really swing It's his favourite thing He's the only one who can find all the books of spells And he truly doesn't mind 'cause he can really climb He doesn’t need a ladder to reach those high up shelves He's in the band with rocks in He's a member of the watch and Chief organist forat the university He can travel through L-Space And he can tear off your face He can unscrew your head head using just his feet Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Said the Librarian Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Said the Librarian Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Said the Librarian Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Don't! Call him! A Monkey! Don't! Call him! A Monkey! Don't! Call him! A Monkey! Don't! Call him! A Monkey! Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Said the Librarian Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Said the Librarian Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Said the Librarian Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook!
7.
Listen up, let me tell you about this guy His name is Wilhelm and you've seen him die He's done it more than four hundred times Been bitten by a gator and arrowed in the thigh He just gets reincarnated and then That poor sucker gets killed again It's been going on since times ancient All just for our entertainment From a long time ago, in a galaxy far away Up until just earlier today What does all thisdying do to his self esteem? Listen to Wilhelm scream! Wilhelm! Wilhelm! Wilhelm! Listen to Wilhelm scream! He got shot by a puppet and he fell off a ledge Thrown from a castle wall, got an acorn in the head Stabbed in the hand by a flying knife Thrown out of frame by an angry Dark Knight He once got strangled by a big blonde dude And was stabbed a bride wearing Bruce Lee's suit Moving the lost ark, he was a guard Got knocked from the truck and he landed on a car Got thrown into a pit by a Wookiee on Bespin On the Death Star he fell into a chasm It must seem like a really bad dream Listen to Wilhelm scream! He got pushed off a cliff by a dinosaur And sucked into a big blue shimmering orb Forced from a boat by a duck in an plane And fell through a bannister on Life Day Thrown from a boat on the back of a truck Shot by a rogue tie fighter, bad luck An elf pushed him off an oliphant: not fun And even then, he still only counts as one Rode a room service cart into a bandstand Knocked off a desk by a rotating lamp Shot in the butt by his own laser, bent by a mog named Barf, he’s his own best friend Knocked off a bridge by a dwarf with an axe Thrown from a cop car into a pile of trash Went flying when his motorbike hit a stump And eaten by a gator to the sound of distant drums Got thrown around by an animated squid And fell head-first into the sarlaac pit Shot by countless laser beams Listen to Wilhelm scream! Nobody knows how he keeps coming back to life Over and over throughout all space and time Maybe he's some sort of God Trapped in the time stream All we can do is listen to Wilhelm scream Maybe it's cosmic punishment By a vengeful being supreme All we can do is listen to Wilhelm scream All we can do is listen to Wilhelm scream
8.
I woke up this morning not feelin' so great And wondered if it was something I shouldn't have ate So I got on the Interwebs and looked up my fate And soon I had myself in quite a state It said I had termites in my Ovipositor And Head-go-boom-boom-itis in my sphygmomanometer Andromeda strain has got me feeling so weak And a defragmented truss rod in my beak I got methusela syndrome and my antlers are clogged An infected carborator in my cytoproct No chlorophyll up in my nictitating membrane And my saucer section just won't separate Don't Google your symptoms Don't freak yourself out You'll make yourself believe you've got corrosion in your pouch Don't Google your symptoms or you'll end up convinced Your thagomizer's warp core needs a rince My dorsal fin is itchy from dilithium And my pickup selector cannot fly with three thumbs My only regret is that I have boneitis And my cilia's float bladder is eclipsed A zombie bit my fuselage's venom glands Hope it clears up soon 'cause that's how you get ants Infected kyber crystals in my tentacle flesh And some days I just do not feel fresh Don't Google your symptoms Don't freak yourself out You'll make yourself believe you've got corrosion in your pouch Don't Google your symptoms or you'll end up convinced Your thagomizer's warp core needs a rince Don't google your symptoms it never ends well You'll think your flux capacitor has gill rot in its cells Don't google your symptoms or you're gonna believe That your interroceter is full of bees My high gain antenna is all swollen and rough My contractile vacuole wasn't marinated enough Now I got Dave's Syndrome and I think I've been hacked Got cutie pox, a brain cloud, and snow crash My macronucleus is a carnelian thing And my chameleon circuit ain't chameleoning I got a narrow urethra and diminished glutes And peanut butter in my chocolate, too Don't Google your symptoms Don't freak yourself out You'll make yourself believe you've got corrosion in your pouch Don't Google your symptoms or you'll end up convinced Your thagomizer's warp core needs a rinse Don't google your symptoms it never ends well You'll think your flux capacitor has gill rot in its cells Don't google your symptoms or you're gonna believe That your interroceter is full of bees Don't Google your symptoms Don't self-diagnose You'll make your doctor wanna break their Hippocratic oath When they beat you soundly and they kill you a lot And you end up getting worse than what you've got
9.
Listen up, jagweeds I need you to grok You're so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off What is your childhood trauma? What is your major malfunction? Eat any good books lately You pointy-eared hobgoblin? Farathoom Fangbanger Shazbot TANJ it, poodoo Felgercarb Drokk Grozit toaster mik'ta petaQ You gorram poozer mutie Skinjob Frak you, Smeghead! I'm not questioning your honour, I'm denying its existence Frak you, Smeghead! Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? Frak you, Smeghead! Smurfing karabast frelling mudblood Belgium Frak you, Smeghead! Get your paws off me, you damn, dirty apes! Laugh it up, fuzzball now you're Bantha fodder scruffy-looking nerf-herder Ugly sack of mostly water I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brain Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way Farathoom Fangbanger Shazbot TANJ it, poodoo Felgercarb Drokk Grozit toaster mik'ta petaQ You gorram poozer mutie Skinjob Frak you, Smeghead! I'm not questioning your honour, I'm denying it's existence Frak you, Smeghead! Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? Frak you, Smeghead! Smurfing karabast frelling mudblood Belgium Frak you, Smeghead! Get your paws off me, you damn, dirty apes! Slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe? You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece! Come and get one in the yarbles if you've got any yarbles Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries Frak you, Smeghead! I'm not questioning your honour, I'm denying it's existence Frak you, Smeghead! Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? Frak you, Smeghead! Smurfing karabast frelling mudblood Belgium Frak you, Smeghead! Get your paws off me, you damn, dirty apes! Ni!
10.
I grew these berries in my back yard Nature did it, it wasn't that hard Picked 'em all this afternoon Washed 'em to get rid of ectozoons Now I'm makin' fruit preserves For my breakfast and hors d'oeuvres Gotta get to 'em before they brown Mash 'em up and boil 'em down Will it thicken? Don't you fear Got all this pectin up in here molecularly re-arranged cross-linking large polymer chains Let it sit and cool some more Then put it in jars from the dollar store I can't wait to taste all this, cause man... This is my jam! Put it on crumpets, put it on toast Put it on the food you love the most Put it on burgers, Put it on fries Put it on all your filthy lies Put it on dogs, put it on cats put it on creepy vampire bats Put it in wine, put it in beer Put it all over your deepest fear Put it on cheddar and mozarella Put it on a stranger's left patella Put it in your eye that's astigmatic Put it on the man hiding in your attic Put it on the disembodied head Put it on the thing underneath your bed Put it on bacon or you can put it on ham... This is my jam! Put it on monsters from the deep Put it on the man who watches you sleep Put it on the hook on your car door Put it on the raven nevermore Put it on the doll you're pretty sure moved Put it on the thing creeping up on you Put it on the big pulsating brain * Put it on the thing on the wing of the plane Put it on the ancient burial site Put it on the glowing meteorite Put it on the books, vertically stacked Put it on the guy in the hockey mask Put it on the light that just went out Put it on the call from inside the house Put it on the thing you can hear, not see Put it on the girl coming out the TV * Put it on the foul winds that blow Put it on the guy peeking in your window Put it on the people who live in your walls Put it on the phone when your dead wife calls Put it on the floating, moaning gown Put it on the grinning, staring clown Put it on songs that get creepy, 'cause man... This is my jam!
11.
Me and my trouble boys coming straight from the south side Tossed to the bricks, speaking easy, gettin' ossified A pocket full of lettuce wearing iron under pin stripes chippy on each arm and a glass full o' moonshine Our butter and egg man is back from a three spot Met a can opener and plannin' a box job lousy with ice and the syndicate's keen in a couple days time we're gonna have the bees Then I hear burnt powder and I'm lookin at a buzzer turns out the can opener's a motherbarneymugger he's elephant ears and all I can do is stare Got a roscoe and he's telling me to grab a little air Barneymug the buttons Barneymug the buttons Barneymug the buttons Motherbarneymug 'em. I play some chin music 'cause I'm a hard bruno Gonna put that cellar smellar in a wooden kimono Chicago lightning the chopper squad bursts in I grab my bean shooter and I give 'em lead poisioning They got the bulge But those palookas ain't bright Call the meat wagon cause I'll fill 'em full o' daylight Barneymug the buttons Barneymug the buttons Barneymug the buttons Motherbarneymug 'em. Now we're lousy with the fuzz throwing lead and packing heat Just came for tiger milk And now my gang are doing the big sleep But the buttons and flatties, they want me in the Big House Now they got me in bracelets and I'm headed to the hoosegow Barneymug the buttons Barneymug the buttons Barneymug the buttons Motherbarneymug 'em.

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released January 8, 2021

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Kraken Not Stirred Toronto, Ontario

Nerd Rock created by a monstrous sea creature and beamed into the head of its pathetic human minion.

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