Most Moistest Hits 2017

by Kraken Not Stirred

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1.
Don't blink, don't panic, Don't feed them after midnight Don't eat the soylent green Don't try to hide your zombie bite Don't investigate the mysterious thud Don't sign for the Mystery Burger in blood Don't blink, don't panic Don't feed them after midnight So you're stuck in a movie Today's been a real doozy There's bad guys looking to deceive If you want to survive today Just listen and do what I say, 'cause I've seen things you wouldn't believe Know your enemy expects you to die Steal your dad's keys and go back in time Don't forget the twenty seven-B stroke six Say "Klaatu Barada Nicto" then, Try turning it off and back on again And come with me if you want to live Don't blink, don't panic, Don't feed them after midnight If you're stuck in the TV. Just walk into the light Don't be afraid of your powers When from beneath you, it devours and Don't blink, don't panic Don't feed them after midnight Don't volunteer as tribute Don't fight in the War Room Don't trust the guys in the black hoods Remove the head or destroy the brain Be the master of your domain Don't party at a cabin in the woods Don't soar like a leaf on the wind Don't read from the book bound in human skin Get to da choppah! Fly, you fools! Don't rub bug powder on your lips Don't throw him the idolm he won't throw you the whip Search your feelings, you know it to be true Don't blink, don't panic, Don't feed them after midnight Don't wear a red shirt Don't talk about the club where you go fight Don't reveal your master plan Don't stop funding the jaeger program Don't blink, don't panic, Don't feed them after midnight Get Liz back, sort life out Take car, kill phil, get mom, Go to the Winchester, have a pint, and wait for this whole thing to blow over Don't blink, don't panic, Don't feed them after midnight Don't eat the soylent green Don't try to hide your zombie bite Don't investigate the mysterious thud Don't sign for the Mystery Burger in blood Don't blink, don't panic Don't feed them after midnight
2.
This is the new song everybody's talking about You won't believe what comes out of my mouth First there are drums but then OMG! Something happens that you won't believe This song is full of shocking facts You won't believe what I'm gonna say next You've gotta hear this song. It'll shock you! A celebrity hates it! Wait 'till you find out who! Music fans say this song changed their life Watch all my videos, you won't believe your eyes Make millions listening to it in your spare time You can't imagine what happens when you click "subscribe." Gotta feed that buzz, gotta huff that post If it's worthy of up you've gotta click it the most If you think it's bad now, wait 'till it gets worse You won't believe what happens in this next verse When I said I'd make a song they laughed at me But this kitten had a reaction that you've got to see Now that you're listening, maybe you think I'm wrong Here's 23 signs that you hate this song. You'll be totally shocked at how shocked you are When you hear what happens when you give a nerd a guitar Here are lyrics that you've never heard before You'll never guess what happens in this next chorus Gotta feed that buzz, gotta huff that post If it's worthy of up you've gotta click it the most If you think it's bad now, wait 'till it gets worse You won't believe what happens in this next verse Gotta feed that buzz, gotta huff that post If it's worthy of up you've gotta click it the most Experts say this song is a guaranteed hit You won't believe what happens in this next bit Gotta feed that buzz, gotta huff that post If it's worthy of up you've gotta click it the most If you think it's bad now, wait 'till it gets worse You won't believe what happens in this next verse Gotta feed that buzz, gotta huff that post If it's worthy of up you've gotta click it the most An amazing thing happens when you share it with friends You won't believe what happens when this song ends
3.
Pineapples are quadrupeds Zebras are born with 18 heads The sun is a giant holding a flashlight We can visit him if we go at night These are alternative facts so you'd better believe That the Earth is flat and the moon is made of cheese I know that it's true because I feel it in my chest And that's more proof than a double-blind test These are alternative facts These are alternative facts I wouldn't tell you this if it wasn't true If I say it, that should be good enough for you A unicorn lives in my hair Unicorns live everywhere They can't be measured and they can't be seen But you're evil and crazy if you don't believe There's a pink unicorn and his name is Ed He's invisible and he lives in your bed whatever you do there, you must consult with me 'cause I believe in a unicorn you can't see Alternative facts These are alternative facts I'm sorry if they don't work for you The fact that they favour me is just a fluke These are alternative facts and they're just as true As anything the scientific method can prove I don't care if you think it makes no sense 'cause my opinion is as valid as your evidence These are alternative facts These are alternative facts I wouldn't tell you this if it wasn't true If I say it, that should be good enough for you Alternative facts These are alternative facts The fact they favour me shouldn't be a surprise Back in the day we used to call them lies And now you're in denial
4.
Oh, hello! I know, right? I look a bit weird in my mask and tights My name is Deadpool, I'm the merc with a mouth and let me tell you what I'm here to talk to you about I'm gonna tell you something as you sit right there But I've only got one tongue so you're gonna have to share 'cause I promise you that there aint' no finer super-advice from here to Regina I'm gonna tell you soemthing that you've gotta here Let me Careles Whisper in your ear I'm gonna hit you up with a bunch of facts So have a chimichanga and sit right back On those days that you wish you were dead 'cause your face looks ike a pepperoni flatbread And your life reeks like old lady pants that's when you've gotta take a chance with Maximum Effort You want more advice to a wicked beat? I'll deliver this one to you right up main street Look at me here in my fancy red suit and I'll prove that I know what I'm talkin' aboot. I'm basically immortal but I look like crap Like Freddy Krueger mated with a topographical map Yet I scored that hottie from Serenity She's no Bea Arthur but she's good enough for me When you think you suck, remember you got it made 'cause nothing compared to you, Sinead. IF some toolbag says that you're gonna fall Break his face like I break the fourth wall with... Maximum Effort Four or five moments, that's all it takes When life raises up the stakes Four or five moments of confrontation When you get to unlock your mutation Four or five moments, yeah that's right Four or five moments your whole life Determine whether you'll be gooder or badder So make those four or five moments matter with.... Maximum Effort When you've reached your goal, or you've hit your target And you're the proud protector of the planet Arus Or you've invented a new doodad Or you've locked your rival in the trunk of your cab When you did your thing and you took your chances And you got your revenge on Francis When the dust clears and you're still standing You can do an awesome superhero landing with... Maximum Effort
5.
I'm on a secret mission To find a metagenic weapon It kills all the people and breaks down, Leaving the planet free for occupation The last time I had to train like this was for a marathon I can't even tell my crew where or why I've gone Deep beneath the surface of a moon so very far I learn it's a trap without the help of Admiral Ackbar There are four lights Now I'm in a torture chamber With four lights, but he says five Referred to only as human. And if I acquiesce I might stay alive Torture is unreliable for info extraction forbidden by the terms of the Seldonis 4 Convention. The word will be I died in battle, perished with my crew No one will ever know I'm here. What must I do? There are four lights In my chest, an implant of pain He asks me the question again How many lights, is it five you see? But he is weak and helpless. He can't hurt me. It was then I understood why he did this to me. Repaying others for all those years of misery. But in that moment, kneeling there, just when help arrived Squinting up into the lights, I believed I could see five There are four lights
6.
I am one with The Force and The Force is with me I am one with The Force and The Force is with me I am one with The Force and The Force is with me I am one with The Force and The Force is with me A long time ago, in a theatre far far away I went to see a movie and my life was changed Space ships, planets, droids, and lasers gave me all the feels Other shows had guys in rubber suits, but this was real An epic story of the battle between good and bad Would set me on my own hero's journey, my own path A lifelong adventure of my own creativity Back when you could get your ass kicked just for your nerdery I've been in this fight since I was six years old I've been in this fight since I was six years old Since before they added "Episode 4: A New Hope." I've been in this fight since I was six years old It set me on a journey I couldn't imagine at the time A lifelong love of fantastic fiction and sci-fi Not everyone would like it, not all would understand Back when being a nerd meant taking your life in your own hands I was riveted right from the opening song It resonated with me long after the lights came on Banished with my sticky shoes and stinging eyes Three years until the next one felt like a lifetime. I've been in this fight since I was six years old I've been in this fight since I was six years old It started before the ending credits even rolled I've been in this fight since I was six years old I am one with The Force and The Force is with me I am one with The Force and The Force is with me I am one with The Force and The Force is with me I am one with The Force and The Force is with me I've been in this fight since I was six years old I've been in this fight since I was six years old Since before they added "Episode 4: A New Hope." I've been in this fight since I was six years old I am one with The Force and The Force is with me I am one with The Force and The Force is with me I am one with The Force and The Force is with me I am one with The Force and The Force is with me
7.
OK To Go 03:46
At the Very Large Array A message from the sky Riding on a frequency of Hydrogen times Pi A sequence of prime numbers Originating from Vega Our own message sent back to us in 60 000 pages of sideband data Billions and billions of galaxies The cosmos is a big place So if we're the only ones here, It seems an awful waste of space And I'm OK to go! A machine of unknown origin Mysterious device Why build one when you can have two at twice the price Is it a means of unlimited power? Is it transportation? Is it a weapon or a portal For alien invasion? Inside the core, the weather's beautiful I wanna take a ride Initiate drop sequence and let Sparks fly 'Cause I'm OK to go! And now I'm falling Through a wormhole A transit system to the stars They show me wonders Quadruple system No one has ever been this far Celestial event I had no idea No words describe what they show it's so beautiful They should have sent a poet I'm OK to go!
8.
On my BMX with my mirrored shades Goin' downtown to Flynn's Arcade Walkman playing me tunes for the road Wendy Carlos on cassette in my headphones Find a post to lock up my ride Enter the arcade everbody steps aside Got the top 10 scores 'cause I am the man This is who I calculate I am Got a joystick and trackball, son Gonna put those aliens to the run Don't care 'bout Donkey Kong or Arkanoid I'm only down the Space Paranoids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids One shot and that tank is destroyed Hit the kill screen on one man 'cause I'm the bomb You send your allowance straight to Encom You're tellin' me that it's all because of luck But there's a 68.71% chance you suck I see see a recognizer and I go ballistic I'm brutal and needlessly sadistic With one quarter I send 'em home to their mama But you're droppin' change like your name is Obama Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids pwnin' like Billy Mitchell on steroids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Come on, everybody, make some 8-bit noise Yeah, we're runnin' a bit hot tonight. I can barely see the monitor from the heat comin' off of it. Gonna reach down... between my legs, n'... grab the joystick. When I step up, you oughtta cower Now for some real user power You're a null unit, why don't you scram? You worn-out excuse for an old program Somebody pushes me, I push back Maybe I should keep you around just to make me laugh Nah, go away, Kid, you grid bug me 'Cause I'm the Warrior Elite of the MCP I'm the Warrior Elite of the MCP Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Every quarter that I spend makes Kevin Flynn annoyed Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Space Paranoids, Space Paranoids Come on, everybody, make some 8-bit noise
9.
Wikihole 04:08
I went to look up something But I don't remember what It was important at the time But now I've just forgot I clicked a link and got into a reading marathon Now I wonder where the last 18 hours have gone I got nothing done I achieved no goals But look at all the things I now know I fell down a wikihole I fell down a wikihole Sweater curse, the hollow Earth Translation of whale songs Headless Men, Manhattanhenge And the Phantom Cosmonauts Bat bombs, King of Kong Phantom kangaroos Glass frogs, Moon Dog, The Viking of 6th Avenue Aurora Sounds, Boozetown The mojave phone booth Blue Book Files, Toynbee Tiles The Mad Gasser Of Matoon Phantom Hand, Sealand Republic of Molossia Nitt Witt Ridge, Phaistos Disc Cryptophasia Fainting Goat Festival Ketchup is a vegetable Now my brain is hurting and I think my eyes will bleed a link's like something shiny and to click it's what I need I know about The Tree That Owns Itself But I've forgotten my own name I poured a gallon of knowledge Into a shot glass of a brain I got nothing done achieved no goals But look at all the things I now know I fell down a wikihole I fell down a wikihole Kottabos, Sokal Hoax Capgras Delusion Bell Island Boom, The Max Headroom Signal Intrusion Petrushka chord, Fnord Buttered cat paradox Kowloon, Ollie Smoot Trojan room coffee pot The Great Stink, Drunk Tank Pink Phantom Time Hypothesis l33t 5p34k, Joe Meek And the Voynich Manuscript List of lists, Jobriath Bielefeld Conspiracy I Grok "Life is a rock (But the radio rolled me)" The 52-Hertz Whale High weirdness by mail Grootslang, Tikbalang Easter Island heads Crooked Woods, Tamam Shud UVB-76 The Gnome of Girona Leendert Hasenbosch R. Crumb, the Taos Hum And the Mississauga Blob Igopogo, Ebu Gogo Poto and Cabengo The Aroma of Tacoma No soap radio Wrap Rage, Agogwe Lost Dutchman's Gold Mine Yuri's Night, Michael Stipe Leonard Bernstein! Petrichor, Belphegor's Prime number palindrome Demon cat, Pripyat A horse named "pot-8-o" Cottingley Fairies, Lawnchair Larry And the Flogsta Scream Stanislav Petrov And the Mercury 13 Enigma, Sun Ra The Paris catacombes Dignity Colony And the Georgia Guidestones Argleton, Jehovah-1 Berners Street Hoax Kaspar Hauser, Thagomizer Banana Equivalent Dose Sacred Cod, Mary Toft The Eye of Argon Phineas Gage, The Amen Break Emperor Norton “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.” The Defenestrations of Prague I've Fallen and I Can't get up! I fell down a wikihole
10.
A winged serpent on the mount Its shadow looms o'er the tiny homes The dragon has come to exact revenge The villagers wail and moan It spreads its wings and soars And while they're sorry that they crossed him The doomed villagers have to admit That he looks really awesome The last thing they think before their flesh is rendered into a molten pool... is "Dragons are cool." They wear leather jackets made from the flesh of vanquished warriors They wear sunglasses and they listen to bands That you've never even heard of They ride motorcycles without helmets They're like Fonzie with scales Like Miles Davis but instead of trumet they blow fiyah! Like Tony Stark with wings and tails They smoke cigarettes In the creek valley Behind the high school Dragons are cool They have a van with a wizard airbrushed on the side And they don't care for your rules Dragons are cool
11.
It's peaceful by the lake As I say goodbye to summer A chill is in the air And the leaves are turning colour The birds fly south There's frost along the path intestines on the cabin floor and brains drip off my axe And there's no campers left to kill No campers left to kill There's one still stuck around my drill There's no campers left to kill That one's leg is twitching I think he's still alive But no, it's just a spasming nerve So I hang him by a rusty hook in his eye And there's no campers left to kill No there's no campers left to kill I put the last on on the grill There's no campers left to kill Maybe it's time to hang up my hockey mask Maybe it's time to put the chainsaw down Maybe it's time to learn the put the lotion in the basket myself Or maybe it's time to fire up the deathmobile and ride into town And find some more people to kill All that blood yet to be spilled I'll travel around the world until I put the last one through the mill 'cause there's no campers left to kill No, there's no campers left to kill I've cleansed the earth, I've done God's will There's no campers left to kill
12.
Mellow greetings, citizen. What's your boggle? Could it be you're livin' in this boondoggle of a future? This brave new World? I got here and I nearly hurled I can't believe it turned out like this Somebody put me back in the fridge 'cause I'm a corpsicle from '96 and I'm the baddest mother who ever lived My name is Simpn Phoenix and I'm loaded n' locked I'm all thawed out and I'm ready to rock I'm a blast from the past and I'm movin' fast Gotta kill Edgar Friendly 'cause he's too crass I spent forty years locked away and froze But now I know all the security codes Somebody fed me info while I chilled And now I'm readdy for a murder death kill 'cause I'm from another century And there ain't nobody in this year who can stop me But wait, what am I hearin' over the noise? I know that familiar voice Is that John Spartan, can it really be? I guess they'll let anyone into this century The sound of my old enemy is music to my ears I've dreamed of killin' you for forty years Now I'll use my phaser gun to showe you in glass Can't believe they defrosted you to lasso my ass Be well, John Spartan Be well, John Spartan When a guy like me has a gun to your head Be well, John Spartan 'cause you'll soon be dead Another chance to kill you? Outstanding! Now resonate some understanding I'm about to hit you up with some serious action And I won't make a de-hurtful retraction You're gonna die, John, yeah you're gonna go down Looks like there's a new shepherd in town The past is over, time for something new and improved It's a matter of tick-tocks until your doom I'm stronger and I'm faster and I've got more knowledge From the time I spent in Corpsicle College You spent your time learin' arts and crafts? Too bad they didn't teach you how to act I spent forty years gettin' badder and better You spent your time learnin' to knit sweaters Now you can barely fight but you can purl with ease All I can say to that is, "Knitta, please." But your feeling of inadequacy will not linger 'cause you inspire joy-joy feeling in my trigger finger Now enhance your calm while I do this deed Simon says, "Die." Simon says, "Bleed." Be well, John Spartan Be well, John Spartan When a guy like me has a gun to your head Be well, John Spartan 'cause you'll soon be dead What's that fragrance? What's that smell? Guess you couldn't figure out the three seashells And you think you're a lady's man, sir But Miss Congeniality won't do fluid transfer Lenina Huxley down at the station Don't understand the Gravity of the situation She sees a bit of violence and she is amazed How long has she been on the force for, twenty-eight days? I hope she's updated her will Because right now is a time to kill She can't handle my kind of psychosis She oughtta give her Two Weeks Notice Speakin' of people undefendable Has anybody mentioned you're Expendable? Are you sad because I'm treatin' you with disrepute? I guess I'd better stop or your mom will shoot I don't mind goin' back to my ice bed 'cause it's your movies, not your judgement I dread Come on, John, there's no need to cry Simon says "Bleed." Simon says "Die." Be well, John Spartan Be well, John Spartan When a guy like me has a gun to your head Be well, John Spartan 'cause you'll soon be dead
13.
With glorious purpose, Reindeer Games came to our realm He came to subjugate, to rule and overwhelm He came from Asgard via the Tesseract So we assembled in order to press him back Me and the Captain, Point Break, and the Other Guy The Legolas wannabe and the Russian ex-spy He tried to wipe us out but we gave him a fight And now we've built up a superhero-sized appetite Let's get some shawarma Let's get some shawarma We stopped the alien swarm-a So let's get some shawarma He brought along the Glowstick of Destiny And an alien army called the Chitauri We had to stop the adopted mini-Frost Giant son of a king Just an Earth's Mightiest Heroes kind of thing No time for Galaga, it was a fight we had to win 'cause there are always, always men like him I carried a nuke straight through a hole in space Let's not come in tomorrow, let's just take a day And get some shawarma Let's get some shawarma It's so delicious and warm-a So let's get some shawarma Here we go...
14.
Your brother died inside your head Where would you rather be when the world comes to an end? I need you to come back, give up on the wall I've got a plan, I need you ready. That's all I need your compliance and I need your fighting skills I need you to realize you're likely to be killed To fight these monsters we made monsters of our own Come on home Welcome to the Shatterdome Left hemisphere: Calibrated Right hemisphere: Calibrated It's a triple event. One's a Category 5 It's up to you to save all humankind You'll have to ride a kaiju straight into the breach There'll be no coming back once you're out of reach All you have to is fall and you're going it alone To save our home Welcome to the Shatterdome Today, at the edge of our hope Today, at the end of our kind We've chosen to belive in ourselves and in our own Today there's not a man nor woman here who'll stand alone Today we face the monsters that are at our door And bring the fight to them. We'll bring them total war Today we send the kaiju back to the abyss Today we are cancelling the apocalypse Welcome to the Shatterdome

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All of the singles released in 2017 plus three bonus songs from 2016

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released July 5, 2019

All songs by Mike Bryant at the behest of the mighty Kraken

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Kraken Not Stirred Toronto, Ontario

Nerd Rock created by a monstrous sea creature and beamed into the head of its pathetic human minion.

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