Mixtape

by Kraken Not Stirred

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1.
Mixtape 04:15
It's 3am on a school night and I've got my headphones on In the glow of my mushroom light and watching Wrath of Khan with the sound turned down while I draw the cover art I don't need to hear because I know the dialogue off by heart Analog transfer from vinyl to cassette I've been here for hours but I'm not finished yet It's real time duplication so I'll just have to wait and dig the music 'cause I'm making you a mixtape I'm making you a mixtape I'm making you a mixtape 'cause I think you're pretty great I'm making you a mixtape I'll take all of these feelings that I've got inside and I'll give them to you on chromium dioxide The first side is almost full I've got a second and a half left Might as well fill it up with a little bit of Napalm Death Analog transfer from vinyl to cassette I've been here for hours but I'm not finished yet It's real time duplication so I just have to wait and dig the music 'cause I'm making you a mixtape I'm making you a mixtape I'm making you a mixtape And I can hardly wait To give you this mixtape Then tomorrow I will go to class I'll sit by you in science and I'll sit by you in math I'll have the tape in my bookbag, but I won't follow through Instead I'll chicken out and I'll... Never give it to you I'll never give it to you I know this much is true I'll never give it to you I'm making you a mixtape I'm making you a mixtape 'cause I think you're pretty great I'm making you a mixtape I'm making you a mixtape
2.
We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party tonight We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party alright First there was darkness, then the Strangers They put us asleep to re-arrange us I may have killed a hooker but at least I saved her fish We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party tonight We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party alright Now I can change things with my mind Take the express to the end of the line Let's go the Shell Beach and we'll have a real good time. If only... I can remember... where it is. We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party tonight We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party alright I'll fight the strangers for my life and when was the last time you saw daylight? Goin' to Shell Beach where I met the love of my life. You just take the Main St West to... or is it the crosstown? You go to the... uh... Just give me a second. It is time. Let the tuning commence! We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party tonight We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party alright Mr. Quick dead, poor poor Mr. Quick And I don't even think the sun exists. We'll find it on Shell Beach if we don't get blown into space It's at... um... you know,the ol' cracker barrel ain't what it used to be.
3.
Down here in the deep I slow down as I near your tower And gaze upon your golden hair out of reach I look up to see your pointy pink hat And I hear you sighing The dulcet tones of your poetry As I circle the castle I'm feeling as blue as the water Even though I am actually green Another knight came by today and tried to smite me So I tore out and ate his spleen The last one told me he'd turn me into a coat but he learned armour doesn't float And I'm the loneliest monster The loneliest monster in the moat My heart aches for you or it could be gas from all those brave knights I ate All those poor bastards Who came for your heart And their own ended up a red stain I hope one day you'll notice me diligently guarding you And you'll realise all those knights were jerks They say I don't have royal blood But actually that's not true I spit some up every time I burp Sir Valiant said he would gut me like a goat Now he's just a pair of boots and some smoke And I'm the loneliest monster The loneliest monster in the moat Prince Charming tried to cut me so I tore off his scrote Now I'm the loneliest monster Not impressed by your brawn, sir And I'm the loneliest monster A big, killer, prawn, sir I am the loneliest monster Stay the hell away from my blonde, sir I am the loneliest monster And I will bite off your dong, sir. I am the loneliest monster The loneliest monster in the moat
4.
Pogo Zombie is a jerk Pogo Zombie is a jerk I hate his little undead smirk Pogo Zombie is a jerk Bouncin' around like a berk Puttin' magnet shroom to work Pogo Zombie is a jerk Football Zombie is a knob Football Zombie is a knob Gardening is a tough job and Football Zombie is a knob He eats my corn cobs And the melons that I lob Football Zombie is a knob Dancing Zombie is a dink Dancing Zombie is a dink And his backup dancers stink Dancing Zombie is a dink How do the undead dance in synch? Disco sends me to the brink Dancing Zombie is a dink Bungee Zombie is a goof Bungee Zombie is a goof How did he get up on my roof? Bungee Zombie is a goof Pulling plants out by the roots Hope he likes my chomper's tooth Bungee Zombie is a goof Gargantuar is a pain Gargantuar is a pain His little imp drives me insane Gargantuar is a pain My cherry bomb shows my disdain No, you cannot eat my brain Gargantuar is a pain I hate Dr. Zomboss, too I hate Dr. Zomboss, too And his stupid giant shoe I hate Dr. Zomboss, too The balls of fire that he spews Throwing camper vans at you I hate Dr. Zomboss, too (I mean, seriously. Who throws a camper van?) Pogo Zombie is a jerk Pogo Zombie is a jerk I hate his little undead smirk Pogo Zombie is a jerk Bouncin' around like a berk Puttin' magnet shroom to work Pogo Zombie is a jerk Pogo Zombie is a jerk! Pogo Zombie is a jerk! Pogo Zombie is a jerk! Pogo Zombie is a jerk! Pogo Zombie is a jerk! Pogo Zombie is a jerk! Pogo Zombie is a jerk!
5.
Eight foot diameter and 700 pounds he's got three legs From his hips to the ground His big spikey tail Is gonna give you a pound You're gonna take 2 to 4 points of damage per round He's a neo-otyugh Hope you can run 'cause you ought to He's got spikes that skewer and he lives in the sewer He's a neo-otyugh Better hope he don't spot you He's slimy and greasy and he's covered in feces He sees you comin' Through multiple eyes No need to roll initiative 'cause he can't be surprised But you misunderstand if you think he's revolting You think he's monster but he's actually lonely He's a neo-otyugh And he's gonna rock you He's gonna show you a good time He's gonna buy you mead and wine He's a neo-otyugh, He wants to dance a softshoe Out there on the dancefloor, He's one funky omnivore He's gonna wear a tie and take you out He understands that you might have some doubts Maybe go for bowling then to a bar Then some mini golf or bumper cars He just wants some pleasant conversation and a luncheon Instead of lurking in piles of feces in a dungeon He's a neo-otyugh and he's wearing his dance shoes He's got three attacks per round and he knows how to get down. He's a neo-otyugh Cooler than a gelatinous cube He might need some refinement He's got a neutral alignment He's a neo-otyugh A tripod with an attitude Japanese schoolgirls, get back He's got a tentacle attack He's a neo-otyugh And he thinks that you ought to know he's built like a rock And he's got a big stalk
6.
When I was a boy of about two or three My mom sat me down and said, "Listen to me I want you to grow up and do as you please but if you want a good life, you gotta know how to read." She meant to inspire and she did not fail When she read me a froopulous tale About a little guy who is very displeased. He's the Lorax and he speaks for the trees. It flowed like the words to a song She read the book and I followed along Squiggles and marks I could learn to decode Thoughts and ideas and feelings bestowed from across the world or through time, itself Brin's "verifiable magical spell" The words of a man written miles away My imagination grew three sizes that day From that day on, well, I was hooked I couldn't get enough of those wonderful books To buy all I wanted, that would be hard So got myself a library card It didn't even cost fifteen cents and a nail and the shell of a great great great grandfather snail To travel to Trantor or Bag-End Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I went From the far end of town where the grickle grass grows To Pern, King's Landing, and Pine Cove Camelot, Toy City, and Asgard, The unfashionable Western Spiral Arm I've been to Mars - Red, Blue and Green Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been Soon I had my own selection as I started my own my book collection Fiction and fact, poems and prose It started out slow but it started to grow They came with book marks, they came with price tags They came in packages, boxes, and bags. Morning and afternoon, even in bed, You wouldn't believe all the writers I've read Shelves full of authors from Adams to Zappa Pratchett and Ashby, Willis and Kafka Peart and Mieville, Mellick the Third My shelves full to bursting from these written words Barker and Butler, Dick and Jeter DeLany and Asimov, Gaiman and Bear Carter and Mowat, L'engle and Dahl I could go on for days just listing them all From the Prancing Pony, to The White Hart The Mended Drum and Fangio's Bar Cowboy Feng's Space Bar and Grill I've paid Milliways astronomical bill The Flying Swan and Green Dragon pub I've hung with Mycroft at the Diogenes club A cantina on Tattooine Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been Many years later it's plain to see My love of words has been good to me It made me think and comprehend It taught me stuff, it made me friends. I'm sure that you'll have ascertained, It's done much more than entertain The benefits have been quite profuse So thanks to my mom and to Doctor Seuss I've walked into Mordor and hacked The Sprawl I've been to Lagash where I saw the night fall Tralfamador, Lilliput, and Gilder, I've fought on the side of The Cylinder Flatland, Narnia, Planet X, From Airstrip One to Alpha Complex Fionavar, Riverworld, Loompa land From the waters of Solaris to Arakkis's sands I've been through the Oxford time machine Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been
7.
You went to a movie And you had a great time You ate some popcorn And you smuggled in some wine Now you're tweeting about it And that's perfectly fine I'm glad you enjoyed the show But there's something you should know... If you post spoilers I will tear out your lungs I'll stab you in the shower Dressed as my taxidermied mom I'll use your memory problems To make you kill and think you're avenging your wife If you post spoilers I will end your life Something awesome happened On a television show It really blew your mind And you want everyone to know You're so excited So to the Internet you go But be careful what you say Don't give too much away... If you post spoilers I'll burn your childhood sled You'll find no sanctuary Despite what everybody said. I'll send you to a field And have a courier bring you your wife's head If you post spoilers I will make you dead. I don't care if it was in the latest trailer I don't care if it was mentioned on Innerspace I've been avoiding commercials because I don't want to know So if you spoil it I will tear off your face If you post spoilers I'll send you back in time So you can see child you Watching grown-up you die. I'll kill your prize racehorse And put its head in your bed while you sleep. If you post spoilers You'll become deceased. You'll shoot yourself in the head After I quit the band. I'll tell you I'm your father Before I cut off your hand. You'll tell me it's impossible But you'll search your feelings and you'll know it's true. If you post spoilers I will kill you. You'll finally understand That posting spoilers is seriously wrong But it'll turn out You were dead all along.
8.
I had myself a really crappy day Tomorrow may be better, but I doubt it I'm in a bad, terrible, awful mood But I know one thing I can do about it I wanna feel better and I know how Internet don't fail me now Take a break from your lastest outrage And post some kitties on your page Today sucked. Show me cats I wanna give them all of the pats I need some kitties and I need them stat Today sucked so show me some cats Today sucked. Show me cats A tabby in a bowler hat In chain mail, ready for combat Today sucked so show me some cats I wanna see thier whiskery noses And I love their little bean-shaped toeses Read me Commander Data's Ode to Spot Looks like we've gotta stay late to catch the red dot Some are big and some are littler Some look an awful lot like Hitler Some play Scrabble and some, Mahjong And longcat is very long Today sucked. Show me cats I wanna give them all of the pats I need some kitties and I need them stat Today sucked so show me some cats Today sucked. Show me cats I wanna beat the people with a baseball bat They're all a bunch of stupid asshats Today sucked so show me some cats The one who made me a cookie but eated it The one who wants belly rubs but only exactly three The Cat from Red Dwarf, who makes everything his And the Tuna Disposal cat, who totally tricked me There's a whole lot of cats modeling Christmas sweaters And the less said about ceiling cat the better Today sucked. Show me cats I wanna give them all of the pats I need some kitties and I need them stat Today sucked so show me some cats Today sucked, Show me cats I'll even take guinea pigs or rats Even one of those creepy fruit bats Today sucked so show me some cats Today sucked, Show me cats Grumpy or business or chemistry cat That's right, I just rhymed cats with cat Today sucked so show me some cats
9.
Atomic subaquatic testing Brought an end to your ancient resting Now you are cranky and frosty Awoken from your lengthy slumber In the sea that you were sleeping under You need a monster-sized coffee Crawl from the sea To find evolved monkeys Are to blame for making you cross In a fire breathing rage You go on a rampage Gonna show those apes who's boss Gojira! Crush that bridge and the shopping mall Gojira! crush 'em like a head on Kids in the Hall Gojira! There's a death metal band named after you Gojira! You are the king of the daikaiju The King of all the giant monsters Immune to rocket launchers Make humans sorry that they were born Huge lizard vs Tokyo Score: reptile 1, city zero Now there'll be no more tentacle porn Eat a couple of trains Swat down some planes Go, Gojira, go! Stomp all over the town Knock some towers down Maybe even fight a UFO Gojira! A not-subtle metaphor for nukes Gojira! Turn all the people into lizard poops Gojira! . An atomic beast from the deep blue sea Gojira! I can't believe what you did to Bambi Gojira! You love death and destruction Gojira! You are a reptile dysfunction
10.
Eight foot diameter and 700 pounds he's got three legs From his hips to the ground His big spikey tail Is gonna give you a pound You're gonna take 2 to 4 points of damage per round He's a neo-otyugh Hope you can run 'cause you ought to He's got spikes that skewer and he lives in the sewer He's a neo-otyugh Better hope he don't spot you He's slimy and greasy and he's covered in feces He sees you comin' Through multiple eyes No need to roll initiative 'cause he can't be surprised But you misunderstand if you think he's revolting You think he's monster but he's actually lonely He's a neo-otyugh And he's gonna rock you He's gonna show you a good time He's gonna buy you mead and wine He's a neo-otyugh, He wants to dance a softshoe Out there on the dancefloor, He's one funky omnivore He's gonna wear a tie and take you out He understands that you might have some doubts Maybe go for bowling then to a bar Then some mini golf or bumper cars He just wants some pleasant conversation and a luncheon Instead of lurking in piles of feces in a dungeon He's a neo-otyugh and he's wearing his dance shoes He's got three attacks per round and he knows how to get down. He's a neo-otyugh Cooler than a gelatinous cube He might need some refinement He's got a neutral alignment He's a neo-otyugh A tripod with an attitude Japanese schoolgirls, get back He's got a tentacle attack He's a neo-otyugh And he thinks that you ought to know he's built like a rock And he's got a big stalk

about

Back in the olden days, if we liked somebody, we made them a mixtape. Well, I like you so I made you this. And since I think you're a total nerd, I filled it up with nerdy songs. I hope you like them.

Includes .pdf booklet with cover art and lyrics for all songs.

credits

released May 7, 2016

Mike Bryant: Guitar, Kitara, Bass, Synths, Programming, Vocals

Kari Maaren: Ukelele and Backing vocals on "If You Post Spoilers I Will Kill You."

Tessa Stone: Shouting on "Shell Beach Party."

The following people shouted on "Pogo Zombie is a Jerk": Meri Amber, Taavi Burns, Jeff Cottrill, Errol Elumir, Astrid Fauchon, Cynthia Gould, Chris Horne, Angela Keeley, Sebastien L'Arrivee, Doug Lea, Kari Maaren, Pelayo Matute, Kirsten Nelson, Scworm, Tessa Stone, Larry Varvarici, Mandy Wells, the Professor and Mary Anne

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Kraken Not Stirred Toronto, Ontario

Nerd Rock created by a monstrous sea creature and beamed into the head of its pathetic human minion.

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