Mixtape

by Kraken Not Stirred

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about

Back in the olden days, if we liked somebody, we made them a mixtape. Well, I like you so I made you this. And since I think you're a total nerd, I filled it up with nerdy songs. I hope you like them.

Includes .pdf booklet with cover art and lyrics for all songs.

credits

released May 7, 2016

Mike Bryant: Guitar, Kitara, Bass, Synths, Programming, Vocals

Kari Maaren: Ukelele and Backing vocals on "If You Post Spoilers I Will Kill You."

Tessa Stone: Shouting on "Shell Beach Party."

The following people shouted on "Pogo Zombie is a Jerk": Meri Amber, Taavi Burns, Jeff Cottrill, Errol Elumir, Astrid Fauchon, Cynthia Gould, Chris Horne, Angela Keeley, Sebastien L'Arrivee, Doug Lea, Kari Maaren, Pelayo Matute, Kirsten Nelson, Scworm, Tessa Stone, Larry Varvarici, Mandy Wells, the Professor and Mary Anne

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about

Kraken Not Stirred Toronto, Ontario

Nerd Rock created by a monstrous sea creature and beamed into the head of its pathetic human minion.

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Track Name: Mixtape
It's 3am on a school night
and I've got my headphones on
In the glow of my mushroom light
and watching Wrath of Khan
with the sound turned down
while I draw the cover art
I don't need to hear because
I know the dialogue off by heart

Analog transfer from vinyl to cassette
I've been here for hours but I'm not finished yet
It's real time duplication so I'll just have to wait
and dig the music 'cause I'm making you a mixtape

I'm making you a mixtape
I'm making you a mixtape
'cause I think you're pretty great
I'm making you a mixtape

I'll take all of these feelings
that I've got inside
and I'll give them to you
on chromium dioxide
The first side is almost full
I've got a second and a half left
Might as well fill it up
with a little bit of Napalm Death

Analog transfer from vinyl to cassette
I've been here for hours but I'm not finished yet
It's real time duplication so I just have to wait
and dig the music 'cause I'm making you a mixtape

I'm making you a mixtape
I'm making you a mixtape
And I can hardly wait
To give you this mixtape

Then tomorrow I will go to class
I'll sit by you in science and I'll sit by you in math
I'll have the tape in my bookbag, but I won't follow through
Instead I'll chicken out and I'll...
Never give it to you
I'll never give it to you
I know this much is true
I'll never give it to you

I'm making you a mixtape
I'm making you a mixtape
'cause I think you're pretty great
I'm making you a mixtape
I'm making you a mixtape
Track Name: Shell Beach Party
We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party tonight
We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party alright
First there was darkness, then the Strangers
They put us asleep to re-arrange us
I may have killed a hooker but at least I saved her fish

We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party tonight
We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party alright
Now I can change things with my mind
Take the express to the end of the line
Let's go the Shell Beach and we'll have a real good time.
If only... I can remember... where it is.

We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party tonight
We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party alright
I'll fight the strangers for my life
and when was the last time you saw daylight?
Goin' to Shell Beach where I met the love of my life.
You just take the Main St West to... or is it the crosstown?
You go to the... uh... Just give me a second.

It is time. Let the tuning commence!

We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party tonight
We're gonna have a Shell Beach Party alright
Mr. Quick dead, poor poor Mr. Quick
And I don't even think the sun exists.
We'll find it on Shell Beach if we don't get blown into space
It's at... um... you know,the ol' cracker barrel ain't what it used to be.
Track Name: The Loneliest Monster in the Moat
Down here in the deep
I slow down as I near your tower
And gaze upon your golden hair out of reach
I look up to see your pointy pink hat
And I hear you sighing
The dulcet tones of your poetry

As I circle the castle
I'm feeling as blue as the water
Even though I am actually green
Another knight came by today
and tried to smite me
So I tore out and ate his spleen

The last one told me he'd turn me into a coat
but he learned armour doesn't float
And I'm the loneliest monster
The loneliest monster in the moat

My heart aches for you
or it could be gas
from all those brave knights I ate
All those poor bastards
Who came for your heart
And their own ended up a red stain

I hope one day you'll notice me
diligently guarding you
And you'll realise all those knights were jerks
They say I don't have royal blood
But actually that's not true
I spit some up every time I burp

Sir Valiant said he would gut me like a goat
Now he's just a pair of boots and some smoke
And I'm the loneliest monster
The loneliest monster in the moat

Prince Charming tried to cut me
so I tore off his scrote
Now I'm the loneliest monster
Not impressed by your brawn, sir
And I'm the loneliest monster
A big, killer, prawn, sir
I am the loneliest monster
Stay the hell away from my blonde, sir
I am the loneliest monster
And I will bite off your dong, sir.
I am the loneliest monster
The loneliest monster in the moat
Track Name: Pogo Zombie is a Jerk
Pogo Zombie is a jerk
Pogo Zombie is a jerk
I hate his little undead smirk
Pogo Zombie is a jerk
Bouncin' around like a berk
Puttin' magnet shroom to work
Pogo Zombie is a jerk

Football Zombie is a knob
Football Zombie is a knob
Gardening is a tough job
and Football Zombie is a knob
He eats my corn cobs
And the melons that I lob
Football Zombie is a knob

Dancing Zombie is a dink
Dancing Zombie is a dink
And his backup dancers stink
Dancing Zombie is a dink
How do the undead dance in synch?
Disco sends me to the brink
Dancing Zombie is a dink

Bungee Zombie is a goof
Bungee Zombie is a goof
How did he get up on my roof?
Bungee Zombie is a goof
Pulling plants out by the roots
Hope he likes my chomper's tooth
Bungee Zombie is a goof

Gargantuar is a pain
Gargantuar is a pain
His little imp drives me insane
Gargantuar is a pain
My cherry bomb shows my disdain
No, you cannot eat my brain
Gargantuar is a pain

I hate Dr. Zomboss, too
I hate Dr. Zomboss, too
And his stupid giant shoe
I hate Dr. Zomboss, too
The balls of fire that he spews
Throwing camper vans at you
I hate Dr. Zomboss, too

(I mean, seriously. Who throws a camper van?)

Pogo Zombie is a jerk
Pogo Zombie is a jerk
I hate his little undead smirk
Pogo Zombie is a jerk
Bouncin' around like a berk
Puttin' magnet shroom to work
Pogo Zombie is a jerk

Pogo Zombie is a jerk!
Pogo Zombie is a jerk!
Pogo Zombie is a jerk!
Pogo Zombie is a jerk!
Pogo Zombie is a jerk!
Pogo Zombie is a jerk!
Pogo Zombie is a jerk!
Track Name: Neo-Otyugh (Synthpop Version)
Eight foot diameter
and 700 pounds
he's got three legs
From his hips to the ground
His big spikey tail
Is gonna give you a pound
You're gonna take 2 to 4 points
of damage per round

He's a neo-otyugh
Hope you can run 'cause you ought to
He's got spikes that skewer
and he lives in the sewer
He's a neo-otyugh
Better hope he don't spot you
He's slimy and greasy
and he's covered in feces

He sees you comin'
Through multiple eyes
No need to roll initiative
'cause he can't be surprised
But you misunderstand
if you think he's revolting
You think he's monster
but he's actually lonely

He's a neo-otyugh
And he's gonna rock you
He's gonna show you a good time
He's gonna buy you mead and wine
He's a neo-otyugh,
He wants to dance a softshoe
Out there on the dancefloor,
He's one funky omnivore

He's gonna wear a tie and take you out
He understands that you might have some doubts
Maybe go for bowling then to a bar
Then some mini golf or bumper cars
He just wants some pleasant conversation and a luncheon
Instead of lurking in piles of feces in a dungeon

He's a neo-otyugh
and he's wearing his dance shoes
He's got three attacks per round
and he knows how to get down.
He's a neo-otyugh
Cooler than a gelatinous cube
He might need some refinement
He's got a neutral alignment
He's a neo-otyugh
A tripod with an attitude
Japanese schoolgirls, get back
He's got a tentacle attack
He's a neo-otyugh
And he thinks that you ought to
know he's built like a rock
And he's got a big stalk
Track Name: Oh, The Places I've Been
When I was a boy of about two or three
My mom sat me down and said, "Listen to me
I want you to grow up and do as you please
but if you want a good life, you gotta know how to read."

She meant to inspire and she did not fail
When she read me a froopulous tale
About a little guy who is very displeased.
He's the Lorax and he speaks for the trees.

It flowed like the words to a song
She read the book and I followed along
Squiggles and marks I could learn to decode
Thoughts and ideas and feelings bestowed

from across the world or through time, itself
Brin's "verifiable magical spell"
The words of a man written miles away
My imagination grew three sizes that day

From that day on, well, I was hooked
I couldn't get enough of those wonderful books
To buy all I wanted, that would be hard
So got myself a library card

It didn't even cost fifteen cents and a nail
and the shell of a great great great grandfather snail
To travel to Trantor or Bag-End
Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I went

From the far end of town where the grickle grass grows
To Pern, King's Landing, and Pine Cove
Camelot, Toy City, and Asgard,
The unfashionable Western Spiral Arm
I've been to Mars - Red, Blue and Green
Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been
Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been

Soon I had my own selection
as I started my own my book collection
Fiction and fact, poems and prose
It started out slow but it started to grow
They came with book marks, they came with price tags
They came in packages, boxes, and bags.
Morning and afternoon, even in bed,
You wouldn't believe all the writers I've read

Shelves full of authors from Adams to Zappa
Pratchett and Ashby, Willis and Kafka
Peart and Mieville, Mellick the Third
My shelves full to bursting from these written words
Barker and Butler, Dick and Jeter
DeLany and Asimov, Gaiman and Bear
Carter and Mowat, L'engle and Dahl
I could go on for days just listing them all

From the Prancing Pony, to The White Hart
The Mended Drum and Fangio's Bar
Cowboy Feng's Space Bar and Grill
I've paid Milliways astronomical bill
The Flying Swan and Green Dragon pub
I've hung with Mycroft at the Diogenes club
A cantina on Tattooine
Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been
Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been

Many years later it's plain to see
My love of words has been good to me
It made me think and comprehend
It taught me stuff, it made me friends.

I'm sure that you'll have ascertained,
It's done much more than entertain
The benefits have been quite profuse
So thanks to my mom and to Doctor Seuss

I've walked into Mordor and hacked The Sprawl
I've been to Lagash where I saw the night fall
Tralfamador, Lilliput, and Gilder,
I've fought on the side of The Cylinder
Flatland, Narnia, Planet X,
From Airstrip One to Alpha Complex
Fionavar, Riverworld, Loompa land
From the waters of Solaris to Arakkis's sands
I've been through the Oxford time machine
Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been
Oh, you wouldn't believe all the places I've been
Track Name: If You Post Spoilers I Will Kill You
You went to a movie
And you had a great time
You ate some popcorn
And you smuggled in some wine
Now you're tweeting about it
And that's perfectly fine
I'm glad you enjoyed the show
But there's something you should know...

If you post spoilers
I will tear out your lungs
I'll stab you in the shower
Dressed as my taxidermied mom
I'll use your memory problems
To make you kill and think you're avenging your wife
If you post spoilers
I will end your life

Something awesome happened
On a television show
It really blew your mind
And you want everyone to know
You're so excited
So to the Internet you go
But be careful what you say
Don't give too much away...

If you post spoilers
I'll burn your childhood sled
You'll find no sanctuary
Despite what everybody said.
I'll send you to a field
And have a courier bring you your wife's head
If you post spoilers
I will make you dead.

I don't care if it was in the latest trailer
I don't care if it was mentioned on Innerspace
I've been avoiding commercials because I don't want to know
So if you spoil it I will tear off your face

If you post spoilers
I'll send you back in time
So you can see child you
Watching grown-up you die.
I'll kill your prize racehorse
And put its head in your bed while you sleep.
If you post spoilers
You'll become deceased.

You'll shoot yourself in the head
After I quit the band.
I'll tell you I'm your father
Before I cut off your hand.
You'll tell me it's impossible
But you'll search your feelings and you'll know it's true.
If you post spoilers
I will kill you.
You'll finally understand
That posting spoilers is seriously wrong
But it'll turn out
You were dead all along.
Track Name: Today Sucked, Show Me Cats
I had myself a really crappy day
Tomorrow may be better, but I doubt it
I'm in a bad, terrible, awful mood
But I know one thing I can do about it
I wanna feel better and I know how
Internet don't fail me now
Take a break from your lastest outrage
And post some kitties on your page

Today sucked. Show me cats
I wanna give them all of the pats
I need some kitties and I need them stat
Today sucked so show me some cats
Today sucked. Show me cats
A tabby in a bowler hat
In chain mail, ready for combat
Today sucked so show me some cats

I wanna see thier whiskery noses
And I love their little bean-shaped toeses
Read me Commander Data's Ode to Spot
Looks like we've gotta stay late to catch the red dot
Some are big and some are littler
Some look an awful lot like Hitler
Some play Scrabble and some, Mahjong
And longcat is very long

Today sucked. Show me cats
I wanna give them all of the pats
I need some kitties and I need them stat
Today sucked so show me some cats
Today sucked. Show me cats
I wanna beat the people with a baseball bat
They're all a bunch of stupid asshats
Today sucked so show me some cats

The one who made me a cookie but eated it
The one who wants belly rubs but only exactly three
The Cat from Red Dwarf, who makes everything his
And the Tuna Disposal cat, who totally tricked me
There's a whole lot of cats modeling Christmas sweaters
And the less said about ceiling cat the better

Today sucked. Show me cats
I wanna give them all of the pats
I need some kitties and I need them stat
Today sucked so show me some cats
Today sucked, Show me cats
I'll even take guinea pigs or rats
Even one of those creepy fruit bats
Today sucked so show me some cats
Today sucked, Show me cats
Grumpy or business or chemistry cat
That's right, I just rhymed cats with cat
Today sucked so show me some cats
Track Name: A Reptile Dysfunction
Atomic subaquatic testing
Brought an end to your ancient resting
Now you are cranky and frosty
Awoken from your lengthy slumber
In the sea that you were sleeping under
You need a monster-sized coffee

Crawl from the sea
To find evolved monkeys
Are to blame for making you cross
In a fire breathing rage
You go on a rampage
Gonna show those apes who's boss

Gojira!
Crush that bridge and the shopping mall
Gojira!
crush 'em like a head on Kids in the Hall
Gojira!
There's a death metal band named after you
Gojira!
You are the king of the daikaiju

The King of all the giant monsters
Immune to rocket launchers
Make humans sorry that they were born
Huge lizard vs Tokyo
Score: reptile 1, city zero
Now there'll be no more tentacle porn

Eat a couple of trains
Swat down some planes
Go, Gojira, go!
Stomp all over the town
Knock some towers down
Maybe even fight a UFO

Gojira!
A not-subtle metaphor for nukes
Gojira!
Turn all the people into lizard poops
Gojira!
. An atomic beast from the deep blue sea
Gojira!
I can't believe what you did to Bambi
Gojira!
You love death and destruction
Gojira!
You are a reptile dysfunction
Track Name: Neo-Otyugh (Rock Version)
Eight foot diameter
and 700 pounds
he's got three legs
From his hips to the ground
His big spikey tail
Is gonna give you a pound
You're gonna take 2 to 4 points
of damage per round

He's a neo-otyugh
Hope you can run 'cause you ought to
He's got spikes that skewer
and he lives in the sewer
He's a neo-otyugh
Better hope he don't spot you
He's slimy and greasy
and he's covered in feces

He sees you comin'
Through multiple eyes
No need to roll initiative
'cause he can't be surprised
But you misunderstand
if you think he's revolting
You think he's monster
but he's actually lonely

He's a neo-otyugh
And he's gonna rock you
He's gonna show you a good time
He's gonna buy you mead and wine
He's a neo-otyugh,
He wants to dance a softshoe
Out there on the dancefloor,
He's one funky omnivore

He's gonna wear a tie and take you out
He understands that you might have some doubts
Maybe go for bowling then to a bar
Then some mini golf or bumper cars
He just wants some pleasant conversation and a luncheon
Instead of lurking in piles of feces in a dungeon

He's a neo-otyugh
and he's wearing his dance shoes
He's got three attacks per round
and he knows how to get down.
He's a neo-otyugh
Cooler than a gelatinous cube
He might need some refinement
He's got a neutral alignment
He's a neo-otyugh
A tripod with an attitude
Japanese schoolgirls, get back
He's got a tentacle attack
He's a neo-otyugh
And he thinks that you ought to
know he's built like a rock
And he's got a big stalk