Most Moistest Hits 2018

by Kraken Not Stirred

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    All ten original songs released in 2018!
    Plus a bonus instrumental!
    And a 40-page .pdf of artwork and lyrics!
    Purchasable with gift card

      $7 CAD  or more

     

1.
Sarah was a street punk A single mom who'd been through hell One day her whole life was changed, Stepped off a train and met herself Beth, a cop, discovered something Nearly drove her quite insane All she thought she knew was false So she jumped in front of a train Cosima with her braids and glasses was a brilliant scientist The only one who had the skills To cure the mystery illness Alison, suburban mom Perfect Norman Rockwell home Scrapbooking and dealing drugs Who would have guessed she was a clone? Helena, trained as an assassin Told she was the original She killed Janika, Ania And Ariana and Danielle Tried to have a normal life When her sestras took her in But you should not threaten babies If you want to breathe again Rachel, raised with neolution Sentenced her sisters to die Her lifetime of devotion got her A secret camera in her eye MK, a computer hacker Wasn't safe behind the screen Proxies and a sheep mask to help hide her identity Krystal was a manicurist No clue what was going on Conspiracy of Big Cosmetics Good thing that she had her vlog Tony was a trans clone He didn't stick around for long Met Felix, Art and Sarah then walked out the door and he was gone Charlotte was the youngest clone She was grown from Rachel's cells She was a copy of a copy But she seemed to turn out well Katja's one we barely saw Helena shot her in the head Set off an investigation When they found her buried, dead Jennifer was only seen in her archived videos documenting her disease her sisters, she would never know Miriam when she got sick She was among the very first Rachel had her killed and autopsied So she could do research Fay and Femke, Jade and Effi Niki, and Sofia and Justyna and maybe others All were killed by Ferdinand This list is not complete This is only twenty four Out there, all around the world Are two hundred and fifty more 32 Lines About 24 Clones
2.
Extinct Marine arachnomorph arthopods Fourished in the paloezoic along with brachiopods One of the earliest fossilized exoskeletons over 17000 different types of specimens Stratigraphic markers of the cambrian made of the cephalon, thorax, and pygidium (pie-GID-ee-um) They were filter-feeders who ate plankton all day they faked the moon landing, then they went anyway Trilobites are awesome! They won the first season of Fear Factor When they ate nine cavemen and four nuclear reactors They caused a massive worlwide disaster when they regurgitated it all in the form protactors They get Final Jeopardy right 90% of the time They drink their tequila without any lime They reach the Donkey Kong kill screen on only one man They hatched an ancient diabolical plan Trilobites are awesome! They control international politics They invented time travel and cheese sticks They didn't go extinct, they just got in their ships And went on an intergalactic trip They'll return one day during an eclipse And squeeze us all with their death grips They will feed us all our own lips And usher in the Trilobite apocalypse Trilobites are awesome!
3.
You've got 18 charisma And you've got a thing for bards You don't need graph paper to map the way into my heart Perhaps you used a potion Or perhaps you cast a spell I kissed your magic mouth And then into your trap I fell My wisdom's barely high enough to know that I should never ever let you go I rolled a 20 when I met you For once the die came through Your awesomeness is at least a +2 I rolled a 20 when I met you I love the magic that you do I rolled a 20 when I met you You cast Charm Person on me But you didn't even know That I had no intention of winning the saving throw You're quite a character and you are prettier than a nymph I hope tonight I roll myself a successful to-hit My wisdom's barely high enough to know that I should never ever let you go I rolled a 20 when I met you For once the die came through Your awesomeness is at least a +2 I rolled a 20 when I met you I love the magic that you do I rolled a 20 when I met you You say you look like a sea hag and you feel like an ogre But beauty's in the many floating eyes of the beholder I know your strength is 18 And I know you're very tough But you'll need a bag of holding if you wanna contain love I rolled a 20 when I met you For once the die came through Your awesomeness is at least a +2 I rolled a 20 when I met you I love the magic that you do I rolled a 20 when I met you I rolled a 20 A 15 would have been plenty But I rolled a 20 when I met you.
4.
They dumped me on this planet To try and find some droids It's a barren land It's full of desert sand But the Emperor is annoyed Saw Chalmun's bar was open Thought I'd sneak somethin' wet Then I seen ya Across the cantina And our optical circuits met You were a little astromech and your motivator looked fine I said, "I'll woo her." But then old Wuher Kicked you back outside You're the one that I adore Don't close your blast shield doors I think you're the droid I'm looking for You make my heart jump to warp My mechanical paramour I think you're the droid I'm looking for You're really set to stunning Every Jawa wants your parts Don't blast your way out of the docking bay where I keep my heart I know that I'm a killer From a ship far above But I won't stormtroop if you don't execute order 66 on my love I'll save you from this planet Of sand and sketchy bars Where the twin suns burn Together we'll return to the safety of the Death Star You're the one that I adore Don't close your blast shield doors I think you're the droid I'm looking for You make my heart jump to warp My mechanical paramour I think you're the droid I'm looking for You're the one I'd leave my post for Don't torpedo my heart's exhaust port I think you're the droid I'm looking for Another trooper in the corps Soon I'll return to my star war I think you're the droid I'm looking for I think you're the droid I'm looking for
5.
Teaser 03:36
Well, my moms are all rich and my daddy is too I'm young and I'm bored an' I got nothin' to do From the general vicinity of Betelgeuse You know that I am the hoopiest frood I got a souped-up saucer from Sirius Cybernetics Makes the Heart of Gold look completely pathetic Got a Genuine People Personality inside And a brand new infinite improbability drive It's got an onboard computer with the latest tech and it goes from standing still to hyperspace in nanoseconds I've still got the ship's original box I also wear a pretty neat digital watch Cruisin' up and down the Western Spiral Arm, yes And I'm gonna find a planet that's mostly harmless Where intergalactic contact hasn't been achieved And land by someone nobody will ever believe Me and the boys and our paranoid android Will strut up and down makin' a beep-beep noise I'm a teaser Not a pleaser I'm gonna find me some poor geezer He won't believe what he sees, sir When I pick him up with my beamer I'm a teaser I'm a schemer A prime directive intervener Got an intergalactic trolling procedure I love it when I find a screamer I'm a teaser Is this guy boring you? Why not come with me? 'Cause I'm from another planet, you see I'm so hip I can't see over my pelvis, baby And I always get invited to these sorts of parties All these other froods just don't compare I know where my towel is but I don't really care So let's get a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster from my very own nutrimatics drink dispenser And if you want something totally delicious We can grab ourselves a couple hagra biscuits They're made for the Vogons by the Dentrassi And they're the hoopiest frood food in the galaxy I'm gonna take you on an intergalactic trip, So get out of my dreams and into my ship 'cause I'm your awesome pal who's fun to be with So let's go buzz some unsuspecting twit It'll blow his mind when he sees us strut up and down With antennas on our heads, makin' beep beep sounds I'm a teaser Not a pleaser I'm gonna find me some poor geezer He won't believe what he sees, sir When I pick him up with my beamer I'm a teaser a man of leisure An interplanetary creeper Gonna pick up some unsuspecting creature With my zircon-encrusted tweezers I'm a teaser I'm a teaser Not a pleaser I'm gonna find me some poor geezer He won't believe what he sees, sir When I pick him up with my beamer I'm a teaser A deceiver You might think I'm mean, sir Freak out a semi-evolved simian and then cheese 'er And go and get some appeteasers I'm a teaser
6.
With another soundtrack Ungh! This is a lesser-known song by a well-known band You think it's awesome so you're gonna Shazam Well, you're in for a real shock, man, When you find it's on the iPhone you got in your hand It came out in 2006 You think your mind must be playin' tricks Three years ago, you downloaded it But you only ever listened to the hit This song, song, this is the end-credit song This is the end credit song This song, song, this is the end-credit song This is the end credit song The executive producer is the CFO Of a music publisher and the record co. He'll say this song tested well in a study, But the band's publicist is his golfing buddy He told the director to use it in this flick A period piece about ancient Egypt it wasn't a fit with the era or nation so he put here as a contractual obligation This song, song, this is the end-credit song This is the end credit song This song, song, this is the end-credit song This is the end credit song This song, song, this is the end-credit song This is the end credit song This song, song, this is the end-credit song This is the end credit song Now you're brushin' old popcorn offa your leg, And you're waitin' to see if there's an easter egg It was fun, but no Oscar winner now we'll fade into a piece by Hans Zimmer
7.
When I am Galactic Emperor, I will pet all the cats The word "Emperor" in lights on my official Emperor hat My sidekick will be a genetically modified bionic ape I've already got some Empering boots and I'll bet I could rock a cape I'll get table in any restaurant with no reservation and Atom and his Package will play at my coronation When I am Galactic Emperor I will make friends with all manatees When I am Galactic Emperor Pizza won't have calories When I am Galactic Emperor I'll need a planet just to store my guitars When I am Galactic Emperor I promise everybody gets a Doctor Who scarf When I am Galactic Emperor I'll emper the land and sea I'll emper the sky and outer space and you can co-emper with me I'll have my own private book store floating way up in the sky And maybe I'll finally have some time to catch up on my to-read pile I will name every planet after all of my favourite bands Move to MSI, visit High Heels Lo Fi, and vacation on Man... or Astro Man? When I am Galactic Emperor I will make friends with all manatees When I am Galactic Emperor Pizza won't have calories When I am Galactic Emperor I'll need a planet just to store my guitars When I am Galactic Emperor I promise everybody gets a Doctor Who scarf I'll increase science education and build a bunch of libraries I'll dig a tunnel to Australia so I can visit Meri I'll abuse my power and the streets will run red with the blood of my enemies Wait, no, I didn't say that. Hey, everybody, have a free puppy When I am Galactic Emperor I will sleep as late as I want When I am Galactic Emperor I will start an all-chocolate restaurant When I am Galactic Emperor I will name all kittens Percival When I am Galactic Emperor I promise your death will be swift and merciful
8.
Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Cloned and raised in a government facility Jimmy always felt strange But then his whole life was changed When he saw some Halloween stuff on TV Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Wanted to be a princess for a day He wanted some merriment Not to be an experiment So he decided then and there to run away Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Wanted to dress up and get some free candy So he bent the bars And ate up the guards He then smashed down the walls and he was free Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Made his first stop the local costume store He got a poofy pink dress and a tiara to impress Then he ate the staff and smashed his way out the door Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Went out trick-or-treating, door to door He loved to be seen And hearing the people scream Before they fell down, passed out on the floor Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Ate up all the candy he could chew He had a good time except He was unclear on the concept And Jimmy ate up all the children, too Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Soon got the attention of the cops They had him surrounded And Jimmy was confounded When they fired off a couple of warning shots Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Ate the cops and tore out all their hearts Then he bit off their noses and chewed on all their toeses And then he hung out and played with their cars Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Suddenly grew really big and tall and high and He was very surprised Two hundred times his size When he ate a radioactive Andre the Giant Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Terrorized the entire town Because he ate the coppers They called in the choppers And jet planes but he just swatted them down Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Was having so much fun he was really psyched He said "Oh hey, thanks." And at up all the tanks So the government called in a nuclear strike Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Turned out to be immune to atomic bombs The army thought the whole city Would be an acceptable casualty Well, it turns out they were pretty wrong Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Had trick-or-treated the whole word really soon But soon his intentions Brought about attention From the robots on the far side of the moon Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Lounged around and ate humans all day The Earth did soon grow hot Because the Moon Robots Blew it up with their disintegrator ray Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Floated frozen solid in the void He could no longer function Due to the Earth's destruction But the moon robots were no longer annoyed Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Floated around for millions of years of time Until some aliens Who looked like geraniums Took him home to study and revive Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Woke up in a medical facility On an alien planet That smelled like a pomengranite He broke down the door and went for more trick-or-treat Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor Ate all the kids under the red sunshine Then the moon robots had to Blow up that planet, too It was the best Halloween of all time It was the best Halloween of all time
9.
Paint your sky in Phthalo Blue and Alizarin Crimson Swirls of Cadmium Yellow sienna and vermillion Make it any way you want cause it's your world in the end Paint yourself a little tree and give it a little friend Pick the colours that you like mixed together on your brush If you don't like it you can try again there is no rush You don't need to justify You've got nothing to defend Know that there is nothing wrong with having a tree as a friend You can do what you want Just make it passionate There are no mistakes just happy accidents Just use your imagination Any way you please This is your creation So build it as you see Seek out new sensations or sail the seven seas You're the only one to appease To be a Happy Little Tree We're all happy little trees While we're swaying in the breeze We're all happy little trees Paint your world in Prussian Blue Give yourself a big, bright sky Add some white and burnt umber And give your world highlights You're the creator of this world Find your freedom on its canvas Make a small room of your own Or dream up entire planets I'm not saying it'll always be simple I'm not saying it's a life of ease I'm not saying everybody will love you Or that you won't make enemies I'm not saying that it's all a party While we're swaying in the breeze I'm not saying it'll all be chocolate and cheese But we're all happy little trees
10.
I remember Nakitomi Plaza That Christmas Eve When you fought some terrorists and foiled their building seige When professor Snape showed up with Machine Gun Ghenghis Khan And the Maestro from the Money Pit That's when it all went wrong Crawling around through the air vents That Christmas Eve was so intense Dear Die Hard You're the coolest movie dude Dear Die Hard Especially that guy was on the roof This holiday, let's have a blast Come out to the coast, we'll have a few laughs Dear Die Hard It isn't Christmas without you You stole a bag full of explosives From the terrorists And you gave a gun to Snape Without any bullets You dropped a corpse off of the tower Onto a cop car and then Ghengis Khan stole a delicious chocolate bar Welcome to the party, pal, let's go Now I have a machine gun, Ho Ho Ho Dear Die Hard You're the coolest movie dude Dear Die Hard Especially that guy was on the roof This holiday, let's have a blast P. S. Do you know Mad Max? Dear Die Hard It isn't Christmas without you You're kicking ass and fighting crime You'll have to die even harder next time Dear Die Hard You're the coolest movie dude Dear Die Hard Especially that guy was on the roof I hope that Santa brings me armour Yippie-Ki-Yay, melon farmer Dear Die Hard It isn't Christmas without you

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released December 10, 2018

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Kraken Not Stirred Toronto, Ontario

Nerd Rock created by a monstrous sea creature and beamed into the head of its pathetic human minion.

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