Most Moistest Hits 2018

by Kraken Not Stirred

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    All ten original songs released in 2018!
    Plus a bonus instrumental!
    And a 40-page .pdf of artwork and lyrics!
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credits

released December 10, 2018

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Kraken Not Stirred Toronto, Ontario

Nerd Rock created by a monstrous sea creature and beamed into the head of its pathetic human minion.

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Track Name: 32 Lines About 24 Clones
Sarah was a street punk
A single mom who'd been through hell
One day her whole life was changed,
Stepped off a train and met herself

Beth, a cop, discovered something
Nearly drove her quite insane
All she thought she knew was false
So she jumped in front of a train

Cosima with her braids and glasses
was a brilliant scientist
The only one who had the skills
To cure the mystery illness

Alison, suburban mom
Perfect Norman Rockwell home
Scrapbooking and dealing drugs
Who would have guessed she was a clone?

Helena, trained as an assassin
Told she was the original
She killed Janika, Ania
And Ariana and Danielle

Tried to have a normal life
When her sestras took her in
But you should not threaten babies
If you want to breathe again

Rachel, raised with neolution
Sentenced her sisters to die
Her lifetime of devotion got her
A secret camera in her eye

MK, a computer hacker
Wasn't safe behind the screen
Proxies and a sheep mask
to help hide her identity

Krystal was a manicurist
No clue what was going on
Conspiracy of Big Cosmetics
Good thing that she had her vlog

Tony was a trans clone
He didn't stick around for long
Met Felix, Art and Sarah then
walked out the door and he was gone

Charlotte was the youngest clone
She was grown from Rachel's cells
She was a copy of a copy
But she seemed to turn out well

Katja's one we barely saw
Helena shot her in the head
Set off an investigation
When they found her buried, dead

Jennifer was only seen
in her archived videos
documenting her disease
her sisters, she would never know

Miriam when she got sick
She was among the very first
Rachel had her killed and autopsied
So she could do research

Fay and Femke, Jade and Effi
Niki, and Sofia and
Justyna and maybe others
All were killed by Ferdinand

This list is not complete
This is only twenty four
Out there, all around the world
Are two hundred and fifty more

32 Lines About 24 Clones
Track Name: Trilobites are Awesome
Extinct Marine arachnomorph arthopods
Fourished in the paloezoic along with brachiopods
One of the earliest fossilized exoskeletons
over 17000 different types of specimens

Stratigraphic markers of the cambrian
made of the cephalon, thorax, and pygidium (pie-GID-ee-um)
They were filter-feeders who ate plankton all day
they faked the moon landing, then they went anyway

Trilobites are awesome!

They won the first season of Fear Factor
When they ate nine cavemen and four nuclear reactors
They caused a massive worlwide disaster
when they regurgitated it all in the form protactors

They get Final Jeopardy right 90% of the time
They drink their tequila without any lime
They reach the Donkey Kong kill screen on only one man
They hatched an ancient diabolical plan

Trilobites are awesome!

They control international politics
They invented time travel and cheese sticks
They didn't go extinct, they just got in their ships
And went on an intergalactic trip
They'll return one day during an eclipse
And squeeze us all with their death grips
They will feed us all our own lips
And usher in the Trilobite apocalypse

Trilobites are awesome!
Track Name: I Rolled a 20 When I Met You
You've got 18 charisma
And you've got a thing for bards
You don't need graph paper to map
the way into my heart

Perhaps you used a potion
Or perhaps you cast a spell
I kissed your magic mouth And then
into your trap I fell

My wisdom's barely high enough to know
that I should never ever let you go

I rolled a 20 when I met you
For once the die came through
Your awesomeness is at least a +2
I rolled a 20 when I met you
I love the magic that you do
I rolled a 20 when I met you

You cast Charm Person on me
But you didn't even know
That I had no intention of
winning the saving throw

You're quite a character and
you are prettier than a nymph
I hope tonight I roll myself
a successful to-hit

My wisdom's barely high enough to know
that I should never ever let you go

I rolled a 20 when I met you
For once the die came through
Your awesomeness is at least a +2
I rolled a 20 when I met you
I love the magic that you do
I rolled a 20 when I met you

You say you look like a sea hag
and you feel like an ogre
But beauty's in the many floating
eyes of the beholder

I know your strength is 18
And I know you're very tough
But you'll need a bag of holding if
you wanna contain love

I rolled a 20 when I met you
For once the die came through
Your awesomeness is at least a +2
I rolled a 20 when I met you
I love the magic that you do
I rolled a 20 when I met you
I rolled a 20
A 15 would have been plenty
But I rolled a 20 when I met you.
Track Name: The Droid I'm Looking For
They dumped me on this planet
To try and find some droids
It's a barren land
It's full of desert sand
But the Emperor is annoyed

Saw Chalmun's bar was open
Thought I'd sneak somethin' wet
Then I seen ya
Across the cantina
And our optical circuits met

You were a little astromech
and your motivator looked fine
I said, "I'll woo her."
But then old Wuher
Kicked you back outside

You're the one that I adore
Don't close your blast shield doors
I think you're the droid I'm looking for

You make my heart jump to warp
My mechanical paramour
I think you're the droid I'm looking for

You're really set to stunning
Every Jawa wants your parts
Don't blast your way
out of the docking bay
where I keep my heart

I know that I'm a killer
From a ship far above
But I won't stormtroop
if you don't execute
order 66 on my love

I'll save you from this planet
Of sand and sketchy bars
Where the twin suns burn
Together we'll return
to the safety of the Death Star

You're the one that I adore
Don't close your blast shield doors
I think you're the droid I'm looking for

You make my heart jump to warp
My mechanical paramour
I think you're the droid I'm looking for

You're the one I'd leave my post for
Don't torpedo my heart's exhaust port
I think you're the droid I'm looking for

Another trooper in the corps
Soon I'll return to my star war
I think you're the droid I'm looking for
I think you're the droid I'm looking for
Track Name: Teaser
Well, my moms are all rich and my daddy is too
I'm young and I'm bored an' I got nothin' to do
From the general vicinity of Betelgeuse
You know that I am the hoopiest frood

I got a souped-up saucer from Sirius Cybernetics
Makes the Heart of Gold look completely pathetic
Got a Genuine People Personality inside
And a brand new infinite improbability drive

It's got an onboard computer with the latest tech and
it goes from standing still to hyperspace in nanoseconds
I've still got the ship's original box
I also wear a pretty neat digital watch

Cruisin' up and down the Western Spiral Arm, yes
And I'm gonna find a planet that's mostly harmless
Where intergalactic contact hasn't been achieved
And land by someone nobody will ever believe

Me and the boys and our paranoid android
Will strut up and down makin' a beep-beep noise

I'm a teaser
Not a pleaser
I'm gonna find me some poor geezer
He won't believe what he sees, sir
When I pick him up with my beamer

I'm a teaser
I'm a schemer
A prime directive intervener
Got an intergalactic trolling procedure
I love it when I find a screamer
I'm a teaser

Is this guy boring you? Why not come with me?
'Cause I'm from another planet, you see
I'm so hip I can't see over my pelvis, baby
And I always get invited to these sorts of parties

All these other froods just don't compare
I know where my towel is but I don't really care
So let's get a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster
from my very own nutrimatics drink dispenser

And if you want something totally delicious
We can grab ourselves a couple hagra biscuits
They're made for the Vogons by the Dentrassi
And they're the hoopiest frood food in the galaxy

I'm gonna take you on an intergalactic trip,
So get out of my dreams and into my ship
'cause I'm your awesome pal who's fun to be with
So let's go buzz some unsuspecting twit

It'll blow his mind when he sees us strut up and down
With antennas on our heads, makin' beep beep sounds

I'm a teaser
Not a pleaser
I'm gonna find me some poor geezer
He won't believe what he sees, sir
When I pick him up with my beamer

I'm a teaser
a man of leisure
An interplanetary creeper
Gonna pick up some unsuspecting creature
With my zircon-encrusted tweezers
I'm a teaser

I'm a teaser
Not a pleaser
I'm gonna find me some poor geezer
He won't believe what he sees, sir
When I pick him up with my beamer

I'm a teaser
A deceiver
You might think I'm mean, sir
Freak out a semi-evolved simian and then cheese 'er
And go and get some appeteasers
I'm a teaser
Track Name: End Credit Song
With another soundtrack

Ungh!


This is a lesser-known song by a well-known band
You think it's awesome so you're gonna Shazam
Well, you're in for a real shock, man,
When you find it's on the iPhone you got in your hand

It came out in 2006
You think your mind must be playin' tricks
Three years ago, you downloaded it
But you only ever listened to the hit


This song, song, this is the end-credit song
This is the end credit song
This song, song, this is the end-credit song
This is the end credit song


The executive producer is the CFO
Of a music publisher and the record co.
He'll say this song tested well in a study,
But the band's publicist is his golfing buddy

He told the director to use it in this flick
A period piece about ancient Egypt
it wasn't a fit with the era or nation
so he put here as a contractual obligation

This song, song, this is the end-credit song
This is the end credit song
This song, song, this is the end-credit song
This is the end credit song
This song, song, this is the end-credit song
This is the end credit song
This song, song, this is the end-credit song
This is the end credit song


Now you're brushin' old popcorn offa your leg,
And you're waitin' to see if there's an easter egg
It was fun, but no Oscar winner
now we'll fade into a piece by Hans Zimmer
Track Name: When I Am Galactic Emperor
When I am Galactic Emperor, I will pet all the cats
The word "Emperor" in lights on my official Emperor hat
My sidekick will be a genetically modified bionic ape
I've already got some Empering boots and I'll bet I could rock a cape

I'll get table in any restaurant with no reservation
and Atom and his Package will play at my coronation

When I am Galactic Emperor
I will make friends with all manatees
When I am Galactic Emperor
Pizza won't have calories

When I am Galactic Emperor
I'll need a planet just to store my guitars
When I am Galactic Emperor
I promise everybody gets a Doctor Who scarf

When I am Galactic Emperor I'll emper the land and sea
I'll emper the sky and outer space and you can co-emper with me
I'll have my own private book store floating way up in the sky
And maybe I'll finally have some time to catch up on my to-read pile

I will name every planet after all of my favourite bands
Move to MSI, visit High Heels Lo Fi, and vacation on Man... or Astro Man?

When I am Galactic Emperor
I will make friends with all manatees
When I am Galactic Emperor
Pizza won't have calories

When I am Galactic Emperor
I'll need a planet just to store my guitars
When I am Galactic Emperor
I promise everybody gets a Doctor Who scarf

I'll increase science education and build a bunch of libraries
I'll dig a tunnel to Australia so I can visit Meri
I'll abuse my power and the streets will run red with the blood of my enemies
Wait, no, I didn't say that. Hey, everybody, have a free puppy


When I am Galactic Emperor
I will sleep as late as I want
When I am Galactic Emperor
I will start an all-chocolate restaurant

When I am Galactic Emperor
I will name all kittens Percival
When I am Galactic Emperor
I promise your death will be swift and merciful
Track Name: Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Cloned and raised in a government facility
Jimmy always felt strange
But then his whole life was changed
When he saw some Halloween stuff on TV

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Wanted to be a princess for a day
He wanted some merriment
Not to be an experiment
So he decided then and there to run away

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Wanted to dress up and get some free candy
So he bent the bars
And ate up the guards
He then smashed down the walls and he was free

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Made his first stop the local costume store
He got a poofy pink dress
and a tiara to impress
Then he ate the staff and smashed his way out the door

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Went out trick-or-treating, door to door
He loved to be seen
And hearing the people scream
Before they fell down, passed out on the floor

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Ate up all the candy he could chew
He had a good time except
He was unclear on the concept
And Jimmy ate up all the children, too

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Soon got the attention of the cops
They had him surrounded
And Jimmy was confounded
When they fired off a couple of warning shots

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Ate the cops and tore out all their hearts
Then he bit off their noses
and chewed on all their toeses
And then he hung out and played with their cars

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Suddenly grew really big and tall and high and
He was very surprised
Two hundred times his size
When he ate a radioactive Andre the Giant

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Terrorized the entire town
Because he ate the coppers
They called in the choppers
And jet planes but he just swatted them down

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Was having so much fun he was really psyched
He said "Oh hey, thanks."
And at up all the tanks
So the government called in a nuclear strike

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Turned out to be immune to atomic bombs
The army thought the whole city
Would be an acceptable casualty
Well, it turns out they were pretty wrong

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Had trick-or-treated the whole word really soon
But soon his intentions
Brought about attention
From the robots on the far side of the moon

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Lounged around and ate humans all day
The Earth did soon grow hot
Because the Moon Robots
Blew it up with their disintegrator ray

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Floated frozen solid in the void
He could no longer function
Due to the Earth's destruction
But the moon robots were no longer annoyed

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Floated around for millions of years of time
Until some aliens
Who looked like geraniums
Took him home to study and revive

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Woke up in a medical facility
On an alien planet
That smelled like a pomengranite
He broke down the door and went for more trick-or-treat

Jimmy the Halloween Velociraptor
Ate all the kids under the red sunshine
Then the moon robots had to
Blow up that planet, too
It was the best Halloween of all time
It was the best Halloween of all time
Track Name: Happy Little Trees
Paint your sky in Phthalo Blue
and Alizarin Crimson
Swirls of Cadmium Yellow
sienna and vermillion

Make it any way you want
cause it's your world in the end
Paint yourself a little tree
and give it a little friend

Pick the colours that you like
mixed together on your brush
If you don't like it you can
try again there is no rush

You don't need to justify
You've got nothing to defend
Know that there is nothing wrong
with having a tree as a friend

You can do what you want
Just make it passionate
There are no mistakes
just happy accidents

Just use your imagination
Any way you please
This is your creation
So build it as you see
Seek out new sensations
or sail the seven seas
You're the only one to appease
To be a Happy Little Tree
We're all happy little trees
While we're swaying in the breeze
We're all happy little trees

Paint your world in Prussian Blue
Give yourself a big, bright sky
Add some white and burnt umber
And give your world highlights

You're the creator of this world
Find your freedom on its canvas
Make a small room of your own
Or dream up entire planets

I'm not saying it'll always be simple
I'm not saying it's a life of ease
I'm not saying everybody will love you
Or that you won't make enemies
I'm not saying that it's all a party
While we're swaying in the breeze
I'm not saying it'll all be chocolate and cheese
But we're all happy little trees
Track Name: Dear Die Hard
I remember Nakitomi Plaza
That Christmas Eve
When you fought some terrorists
and foiled their building seige

When professor Snape showed up with
Machine Gun Ghenghis Khan
And the Maestro from the Money Pit
That's when it all went wrong

Crawling around through the air vents
That Christmas Eve was so intense

Dear Die Hard
You're the coolest movie dude
Dear Die Hard
Especially that guy was on the roof
This holiday, let's have a blast
Come out to the coast, we'll have a few laughs
Dear Die Hard
It isn't Christmas without you

You stole a bag full of explosives
From the terrorists
And you gave a gun to Snape
Without any bullets

You dropped a corpse off of the tower
Onto a cop car
and then Ghengis Khan stole a
delicious chocolate bar

Welcome to the party, pal, let's go
Now I have a machine gun, Ho Ho Ho

Dear Die Hard
You're the coolest movie dude
Dear Die Hard
Especially that guy was on the roof
This holiday, let's have a blast
P. S. Do you know Mad Max?
Dear Die Hard
It isn't Christmas without you

You're kicking ass and fighting crime
You'll have to die even harder next time

Dear Die Hard
You're the coolest movie dude
Dear Die Hard
Especially that guy was on the roof
I hope that Santa brings me armour
Yippie-Ki-Yay, melon farmer
Dear Die Hard
It isn't Christmas without you