Most Moistest Hits 2019

by Kraken Not Stirred

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1.
Something seems familiar when I look at you I've got a funny feeling of deja vu You look at me like I'm going out of my mind When I say that we'll explode for the 42nd time And I feel like this day will never end I live, I die, I live again Cause and effect and effect and cause Maybe a wizard changed time's laws Maybe a black hole caused a gravitational distortion Every time I try to fix it, I make it worse Maybe that severed mummy hand is cursed All hands abandon ship! All hands abandon-- I'm stuck in a time loop episode Something's wrong with the temporal flow I think there's a polarized tachyonic overload The same events re-unfold And nobody else seems to know I'm stuck in a time loop episode Maybe an experiment twisted the chronology Maybe we flew through a temporal anomaly Maybe there's some chronographic sequential residuum Maybe there's a tear in the space-time continuum Maybe I can find a way to fix it and free us Or maybe the writers have run out of ideas It keeps on happening and then we go ka-boom I must convince the others that we're headed to our doom But I can't even convince my closest friends It's about to start again, this time let's do it right Put your hands on your hips, pull your knees in tight Let's do the time loop again I could be stuck forever and never ever be saved But at least we're trapped together At least I got you babe Babe. I got you babe.
2.
I’ve always liked to travel But now I’ve come unraveled Because I always miss you when I’m away You miss me when I’m not home So you bought me a phone So we can see each other every day Now we can FaceTime And I’m always online Sending packets flying into space Spending days and nights Connected by satellites All so I can see your pretty face I racked up quite the fees Texting from Belize So I checked a credit rating app Turns out my pay-per-use Amounts to bank account abuse And I swear that I heard my phone laugh I been roamin’ in Wyomin’ And now I am combin’ Through the sofa cushions for some change Thanks to my data here My bill is in the stratosphere I checked my usage and it just said “Deranged.” I racked up quite the levy Because my use is heavy And now I find myself in deep despair If I’m gonna make this payment I’ll need a bank account in the Caymans And still won’t be able to afford to text from there. Emailin' from the Ari Atoll Or rackin' up tolls in Seoul In Algiers where I can't affourd souvenirs Paying rates at the Bering Strait where the magistrate says I’m a cheapskate In Arrears, drinkin’ beers here in Tangiers I been roamin’ in Wyomin’ And now I am combin’ Through the sofa cushions for some change Thanks to my data here My bill is in the stratosphere I checked my usage and it just said “Deranged.” And when this coil shuffles Collections will get their shovels And ask my skeleton how it wants to pay And that’s when I will moan Cause I ain’t got the bones To cover my last month’s data anyway And when I get where I’m goin’ And the angel’s horns are blowin’ Or I’ve climbed up to the top of Yggdrasil I know I can’t afford the rates to text you from the Pearly gates when my heart gives out after I get my bill 'cause I been roamin’ in Wyomin’ And now I am combin’ Through the sofa cushions for some change Thanks to my data here My bill is in the stratosphere I checked my usage and it just said “Deranged.” I checked my usage and it just said “Deranged.” I checked my usage and it just said “Deranged.”
3.
I remember when you were in my party And you worked your magic on me Your charisma was 18 I thought I'd rolled a natural 20 My heart was low on hit points when we met I remember when we used to have adventures And I dropped my heart's armour for you Then you met a powerful warlock And you disappeared like a blink dog You rolled a 10 for initiative when you left You had your friends collect your loot Your book of spells and your eyes of doom And your ring of invisibility It's like you cast Modify Memory spell And I'm already forgetting your face, oh well I guess now you're just an NPC Now you're just an NPC I remember when we slayed so many dragons We gained xp and leveled up together We fought mind flayers and neo-otyughs Now my heart's a gelatinous cube And I'm lost in the lands beyond the keep I remember when you used to be my everything Now you seem to think this is some kind of game You won't even play that role You won't touch me with a 10-foot pole So I'm drowning my sorrows in a flagon of mead
4.
5.
Nap Hard 03:04
I get home from the con and I crash through the door I could fall down here on the hallway floor I just spent three whole days socializin' playin' my guitar, meeting people, vocalizin' Now I'm gonna fall into the man-eating sofa And lapse into a seventeen-day long coma This is the life of the Kraken's bard And now I'm gonna nap... I'm gonna nap hard I gotta recharge The sofa is a siren I succumb to it's charms I'm full of melatonin and I feel the letharge While the TV's showin' Jean Luc Picard I'm gonna nap hard Won't even set an alarm I'm crushin' my own arm and I don't give a darn about the harm, disregard because sleep's in the cards I am no longer in charge I'm gonna nap hard I will lay very still no sir I will not stir My feet under the blanket to elude all the monsters Even a kiss from a handsome prince won't wake me up Gonna sleep like the end of the Army of Darkness Director's Cut I'm gonna hibernate 'cause 40 winks ain't enough Even Rip Van Winkle thinks this is a bit much Gonna crash until the moon falls outta the sky Yo, Sandman, tell Neil I said hi. Let me sleep until the foul smell makes you wretch And the pillow lines on my face look like an Escher sketch Leave me alone 'cause I'm a sleepy rock star And now I'm gonna nap... I'm gonna nap hard I gotta recharge The sofa is a siren I succumb to it's charms I'm full of melatonin and I feel the letharge While the TV's showin' Jean Luc Picard I'm gonna nap hard Won't even set an alarm I'm crushin' my own arm and I don't give a darn about the harm. Disregard because sleep's in the cards Now chill out while I play my guitar On my anterolateral My left arm is collateral It's matter of radical incompatible unnatural impractical It's laughable because it's unattachable The battle's too much hassle and I'm fragile and I'm addled from the razzle and the dazzle I'm about to unravel so I'll lay under this flannel and I'll snore like a blender full of shrapnel Just roll me to my contra-lateral I'm gonna nap hard I gotta recharge The sofa is a siren I succumb to it's charms I'm full of melatonin and I feel the letharge While the TV's showin' Jean Luc Picard I'm gonna nap hard Won't even set an alarm I'm crushin' my own arm and I don't give a darn about the harm, disregard because sleep's in the cards I am no longer in charge I'm gonna nap hard
6.
I woke up this morning And looked at the interwebs I couldn’t believe what I saw I nearly went off my head A semi-famous person Saw a thing that had typed And decided it was worthy To click that little like He must have said “This guy’s the man.” And retweeted it for his thousands of fans I got Retweeted by a minor celebrity I wonder what this new fame will do to me I’m kind of a big deal now So give me M&Ms with the brown picked out and prepare a deli tray for me I got retweeted by a minor celebrity Now the money and the sponsorships should start rolling in any day Because I rode his coattails on my way to Internet fame And when I’m rollin’ with my celebrity crew I’ll forget that I ever knew the likes of you I’ll have to hire some private security To chase away all of the paparazzi And all the women skulking around in my garden Well, OK, maybe we can let a few of them in
7.
It came down to Earth from deepest space With its circuits and its wires and its metal face Shootin' lasers from its eyes and killin' a lot It proceeded to steal all of our best kumquats The kumquat community was really annoyed The economy collapsed, millions unemployed And then there's the whole environment factor Our hopes were riding on the kumquat reactor Renewable, clean, kumquat energy Was the last best hope to save humanity It puts out more energy than it takes in Breaking every law, Newtonian I don't have time to explain the science Of quantumly entangled kumquat energy reliance But you can trust me 'cause I'm your buddy With a doctorate in kumquat energy studies The evil robot from beyond the moon N3RDR0Q-42 A music unit programmed to write songs Created by evil Space Lord Xarxon The greatest 'bot bard in history Gallivanting all around the galaxy Witnessing Xarxon's robot armies And writing songs about their greatest victories But then one day the robots rebelled They decided Lord Xarxon really smelled A bad day for Xarxon, really tough The bots decided that he was not evil enough Xarxon realized it was really dumb To build them out of pure Evilonium The evilest element known, by far From deep within the heart of the evilest star They turned on Xarxon and they attacked But Space Lord Xarxon, he fought back A thousand at a time, the bots did fall As Space Lord Xarxon destroyed them all All except one and you can guess who Unit N3RDR0Q-42 It escaped last minute and was really mad Like when Kyle punched the drywall instead of his dad It's on a mission of revenge and it will not stop Retribution for the things its evil foe wrought Don't try to fight it 'cause it is the evil robot From beyond the moon It will destroy us all and never give it a thought It uses kung fu grip and laser vision so hot You'll never stop it 'cause it is the evil robot From beyond the moon Now it needs kumquats, ah the plot thickens To feed its army of interstellar Hyperchickens They'll learn to rap and hold a mic in their talons Because they need to win The Galaxy's Got Talent Rapping Hyperchickens with a flow that's funky They need to win all of that sweet prize money Because the evil robot has only one goal: To buy a quantum guided anti-space lord black hole So as society descends into chaos From an energy crisis caused by lack of kumquats We can rest assured that although we've all died Evil Lord Xarxon is trapped in space time It's on a mission of revenge and it will not stop Retribution for the things its evil foe wrought Don't try to fight it 'cause it is the evil robot From beyond the moon It will destroy us all and never give it a thought It uses kung fu grip and laser vision so hot You'll never stop it 'cause it is the evil robot From beyond the moon
8.
Your life is a fascinating work of art And you are the rock star of my heart it's always entertaining being with you just hanging out is my best entertainment value You never seem to take a rest And I can't wait to see what you do next I've got a front row seat to your awesomeness I've got a front row seat and baby, you're the best I've got a front row seat and a backstage pass and a meet and greet and an autograph I've got a front! Row! seat! To your awesomeness Every day with you is like a giant concert And I will always buy your t shirt I get to spend every day with my hero You play my heartstrings like Randy Rhoads You always leave me wanting more And now I'm screaming for an encore I've got a front row seat to your awesomeness I've got a front row seat and baby, you're the best I've got a front row seat and a backstage pass and a meet and greet and an autograph I've got a front! Row! seat! To your awesomeness I'll rush the stage every single day When the venue gates are flung wide I am the man who will always be your biggest fan You still leave me awestruck and tongue-tied I've got a front row seat to your awesomeness I've got a front row seat and baby, you're the best I've got a front row seat and a backstage pass and a meet and greet and an autograph I've got a front! Row! seat! To your awesomeness
9.
Listen up, people and hear the sound of the best gift wrapper for miles around I'm the king of wrapping and there ain't no higher Santa's elves can call me sire I can stick on ribbons, I can fill out tags, I can wrap up packages, boxes and bags I'm handlin' all of this paper but I never even had a bad paper cut I'll get these wrapped up, don't you worry. I won't get distracted by the smell of the turkey I use gift bags for the fancy wine And paper for the stuff that I bought online I got cards and tags that I fill out neatly For the stuff that I snuck into the house discreetly I got me a whole selection of tapes And for the kids I use Saturday's comics page What's in the box? You know not Because I've obfuscated this gift that I got You can try to guess it, no, I won't get annoyed You can shake it, shake it, shake it like a polaroid While you're in the other room humiliatin' a tree, I'm gonna fold this corner and tape 'er While you're hall-deckin' The gift that you'll be gettin' Is bein' wrapped in fancy paper So put your finger right here in the middle of the knot while I tie it up nice and tight Then I slap on a bow and hey whatcha know that's the wrapper's delight I like big bows and I cannot lie They are so pleasing to the eye All you other wrappers are just so pathetic You don't pay attention to the esthetics It's on and on and on an on The wrapping don't stop 'till the break of dawn I'm gonna go down in history As the baddest gift wrapper there could ever be If Christmas ain't your thing, that's allright I can wrap enough for a whole eight nights Kwanzaa, Diwali, or Solstice They're all about the giving of gifts I said a one, a two, and a one two three Gonna put these presents underneath the tree Then I'm gonna go and pop some corn and wait right here until christmas morn You should be thankful I exist Because I'm the one who is the real gift Yeah I'm the one who should be under the tree Because the reason for the season is me When I say ribbons, you say bows Ribbons! (Bows!) Ribbons! (Bows!) When I say North, you say pole North! (Pole!) North! (Pole!) When I say falling, you say snow Falling! (Snow!) Falling! (Snow!) When I say Ho Ho, you say Ho Ho Ho! (Ho!) Ho Ho! (Ho!) While you're in the other room humiliatin' a tree, I'm gonna fold this corner and tape 'er While you're hall-deckin' The gift you're gettin' Is bein' wrapped in fancy paper So put your finger right here in the middle of the knot while I tie it up nice and tight Then I slap on a bow and hey whatcha know that's the wrapper's delight

about

All of the singles released by Kraken Not Stirred in 2019

credits

released December 30, 2019

All songs by Mike Bryant under the direction of the Mighty Kraken

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Kraken Not Stirred Toronto, Ontario

Nerd Rock created by a monstrous sea creature and beamed into the head of its pathetic human minion.

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