Most Moistest Hits 2019

by Kraken Not Stirred

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about

All of the singles released by Kraken Not Stirred in 2019

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released December 30, 2019

All songs by Mike Bryant under the direction of the Mighty Kraken

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Kraken Not Stirred Toronto, Ontario

Nerd Rock created by a monstrous sea creature and beamed into the head of its pathetic human minion.

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Track Name: Time Loop Episode
Something seems familiar when I look at you
I've got a funny feeling of deja vu
You look at me like I'm going out of my mind
When I say that we'll explode for the 42nd time
And I feel like this day will never end
I live, I die, I live again

Cause and effect and effect and cause
Maybe a wizard changed time's laws
Maybe a black hole caused a gravitational distortion
Every time I try to fix it, I make it worse
Maybe that severed mummy hand is cursed
All hands abandon ship! All hands abandon--

I'm stuck in a time loop episode
Something's wrong with the temporal flow
I think there's a polarized tachyonic overload
The same events re-unfold
And nobody else seems to know
I'm stuck in a time loop episode

Maybe an experiment twisted the chronology
Maybe we flew through a temporal anomaly
Maybe there's some chronographic sequential residuum
Maybe there's a tear in the space-time continuum
Maybe I can find a way to fix it and free us
Or maybe the writers have run out of ideas

It keeps on happening and then we go ka-boom
I must convince the others that we're headed to our doom
But I can't even convince my closest friends
It's about to start again, this time let's do it right
Put your hands on your hips, pull your knees in tight
Let's do the time loop again

I could be stuck forever
and never ever be saved
But at least we're trapped together
At least I got you babe
Babe. I got you babe.
Track Name: Roamin' in Wyomin'
I’ve always liked to travel
But now I’ve come unraveled
Because I always miss you when I’m away
You miss me when I’m not home
So you bought me a phone
So we can see each other every day

Now we can FaceTime
And I’m always online
Sending packets flying into space
Spending days and nights
Connected by satellites
All so I can see your pretty face

I racked up quite the fees
Texting from Belize
So I checked a credit rating app
Turns out my pay-per-use
Amounts to bank account abuse
And I swear that I heard my phone laugh

I been roamin’ in Wyomin’
And now I am combin’
Through the sofa cushions for some change
Thanks to my data here
My bill is in the stratosphere
I checked my usage and it just said “Deranged.”

I racked up quite the levy
Because my use is heavy
And now I find myself in deep despair
If I’m gonna make this payment
I’ll need a bank account in the Caymans
And still won’t be able to afford to text from there.

Emailin' from the Ari Atoll
Or rackin' up tolls in Seoul
In Algiers where I can't affourd souvenirs
Paying rates at the Bering Strait
where the magistrate says I’m a cheapskate
In Arrears, drinkin’ beers here in Tangiers

I been roamin’ in Wyomin’
And now I am combin’
Through the sofa cushions for some change
Thanks to my data here
My bill is in the stratosphere
I checked my usage and it just said “Deranged.”

And when this coil shuffles
Collections will get their shovels
And ask my skeleton how it wants to pay
And that’s when I will moan
Cause I ain’t got the bones
To cover my last month’s data anyway

And when I get where I’m goin’
And the angel’s horns are blowin’
Or I’ve climbed up to the top of Yggdrasil
I know I can’t afford the rates
to text you from the Pearly gates
when my heart gives out after I get my bill

'cause I been roamin’ in Wyomin’
And now I am combin’
Through the sofa cushions for some change
Thanks to my data here
My bill is in the stratosphere
I checked my usage and it just said “Deranged.”
I checked my usage and it just said “Deranged.”
I checked my usage and it just said “Deranged.”
Track Name: Now You're Just an NPC
I remember when you were in my party
And you worked your magic on me
Your charisma was 18
I thought I'd rolled a natural 20
My heart was low on hit points when we met

I remember when we used to have adventures
And I dropped my heart's armour for you
Then you met a powerful warlock
And you disappeared like a blink dog
You rolled a 10 for initiative when you left

You had your friends collect your loot
Your book of spells and your eyes of doom
And your ring of invisibility
It's like you cast Modify Memory spell
And I'm already forgetting your face, oh well
I guess now you're just an NPC
Now you're just an NPC

I remember when we slayed so many dragons
We gained xp and leveled up together
We fought mind flayers and neo-otyughs
Now my heart's a gelatinous cube
And I'm lost in the lands beyond the keep

I remember when you used to be my everything
Now you seem to think this is some kind of game
You won't even play that role
You won't touch me with a 10-foot pole
So I'm drowning my sorrows in a flagon of mead
Track Name: Nap Hard
I get home from the con and I crash through the door
I could fall down here on the hallway floor
I just spent three whole days socializin'
playin' my guitar, meeting people, vocalizin'

Now I'm gonna fall into the man-eating sofa
And lapse into a seventeen-day long coma
This is the life of the Kraken's bard
And now I'm gonna nap...

I'm gonna nap hard
I gotta recharge
The sofa is a siren I succumb to it's charms
I'm full of melatonin and I feel the letharge
While the TV's showin' Jean Luc Picard
I'm gonna nap hard
Won't even set an alarm
I'm crushin' my own arm and I don't give a darn
about the harm, disregard because sleep's in the cards
I am no longer in charge
I'm gonna nap hard

I will lay very still no sir I will not stir
My feet under the blanket to elude
all the monsters
Even a kiss from a handsome prince won't wake me up
Gonna sleep like the end of the Army of Darkness Director's Cut

I'm gonna hibernate 'cause 40 winks ain't enough
Even Rip Van Winkle thinks this is a bit much
Gonna crash until the moon falls outta the sky
Yo, Sandman, tell Neil I said hi.

Let me sleep until the foul smell makes you wretch
And the pillow lines on my face look like an Escher sketch
Leave me alone 'cause I'm a sleepy rock star
And now I'm gonna nap...

I'm gonna nap hard
I gotta recharge
The sofa is a siren I succumb to it's charms
I'm full of melatonin and I feel the letharge
While the TV's showin' Jean Luc Picard
I'm gonna nap hard
Won't even set an alarm
I'm crushin' my own arm and I don't give a darn
about the harm. Disregard because sleep's in the cards
Now chill out while I play my guitar

On my anterolateral
My left arm is collateral
It's matter of radical incompatible unnatural impractical
It's laughable because it's unattachable
The battle's too much hassle and I'm fragile and I'm addled from the razzle and the dazzle I'm about to unravel so I'll lay under this flannel and I'll snore like a blender full of shrapnel

Just roll me to my contra-lateral

I'm gonna nap hard
I gotta recharge
The sofa is a siren I succumb to it's charms
I'm full of melatonin and I feel the letharge
While the TV's showin' Jean Luc Picard
I'm gonna nap hard
Won't even set an alarm
I'm crushin' my own arm and I don't give a darn
about the harm, disregard because sleep's in the cards
I am no longer in charge
I'm gonna nap hard
Track Name: Retweeted By A Minor Celebrity
I woke up this morning
And looked at the interwebs
I couldn’t believe what I saw
I nearly went off my head

A semi-famous person
Saw a thing that had typed
And decided it was worthy
To click that little like

He must have said “This guy’s the man.”
And retweeted it for his thousands of fans

I got Retweeted by a minor celebrity
I wonder what this new fame will do to me
I’m kind of a big deal now
So give me M&Ms with the brown picked out
and prepare a deli tray for me
I got retweeted by a minor celebrity

Now the money and the sponsorships
should start rolling in any day
Because I rode his coattails
on my way to Internet fame

And when I’m rollin’ with my celebrity crew
I’ll forget that I ever knew the likes of you

I’ll have to hire some private security
To chase away all of the paparazzi
And all the women skulking around in my garden
Well, OK, maybe we can let a few of them in
Track Name: Evil Robot From Beyond The Moon
It came down to Earth from deepest space
With its circuits and its wires and its metal face
Shootin' lasers from its eyes and killin' a lot
It proceeded to steal all of our best kumquats

The kumquat community was really annoyed
The economy collapsed, millions unemployed
And then there's the whole environment factor
Our hopes were riding on the kumquat reactor

Renewable, clean, kumquat energy
Was the last best hope to save humanity
It puts out more energy than it takes in
Breaking every law, Newtonian

I don't have time to explain the science
Of quantumly entangled kumquat energy reliance
But you can trust me 'cause I'm your buddy
With a doctorate in kumquat energy studies

The evil robot from beyond the moon
N3RDR0Q-42
A music unit programmed to write songs
Created by evil Space Lord Xarxon

The greatest 'bot bard in history
Gallivanting all around the galaxy
Witnessing Xarxon's robot armies
And writing songs about their greatest victories

But then one day the robots rebelled
They decided Lord Xarxon really smelled
A bad day for Xarxon, really tough
The bots decided that he was not evil enough

Xarxon realized it was really dumb
To build them out of pure Evilonium
The evilest element known, by far
From deep within the heart of the evilest star

They turned on Xarxon and they attacked
But Space Lord Xarxon, he fought back
A thousand at a time, the bots did fall
As Space Lord Xarxon destroyed them all

All except one and you can guess who
Unit N3RDR0Q-42
It escaped last minute and was really mad
Like when Kyle punched the drywall instead of his dad

It's on a mission of revenge and it will not stop
Retribution for the things its evil foe wrought
Don't try to fight it 'cause it is the evil robot
From beyond the moon

It will destroy us all and never give it a thought
It uses kung fu grip and laser vision so hot
You'll never stop it 'cause it is the evil robot
From beyond the moon

Now it needs kumquats, ah the plot thickens
To feed its army of interstellar Hyperchickens
They'll learn to rap and hold a mic in their talons
Because they need to win The Galaxy's Got Talent

Rapping Hyperchickens with a flow that's funky
They need to win all of that sweet prize money
Because the evil robot has only one goal:
To buy a quantum guided anti-space lord black hole

So as society descends into chaos
From an energy crisis caused by lack of kumquats
We can rest assured that although we've all died
Evil Lord Xarxon is trapped in space time

It's on a mission of revenge and it will not stop
Retribution for the things its evil foe wrought
Don't try to fight it 'cause it is the evil robot
From beyond the moon

It will destroy us all and never give it a thought
It uses kung fu grip and laser vision so hot
You'll never stop it 'cause it is the evil robot
From beyond the moon
Track Name: Front Row Seat
Your life is a fascinating work of art
And you are the rock star of my heart
it's always entertaining being with you
just hanging out is my best entertainment value

You never seem to take a rest
And I can't wait to see what you do next

I've got a front row seat
to your awesomeness
I've got a front row seat
and baby, you're the best
I've got a front row seat and a backstage pass
and a meet and greet and an autograph
I've got a front! Row! seat!
To your awesomeness

Every day with you is like a giant concert
And I will always buy your t shirt
I get to spend every day with my hero
You play my heartstrings like Randy Rhoads

You always leave me wanting more
And now I'm screaming for an encore

I've got a front row seat
to your awesomeness
I've got a front row seat
and baby, you're the best
I've got a front row seat and a backstage pass
and a meet and greet and an autograph
I've got a front! Row! seat!
To your awesomeness

I'll rush the stage every single day
When the venue gates are flung wide
I am the man who will always be your biggest fan
You still leave me awestruck and tongue-tied

I've got a front row seat
to your awesomeness
I've got a front row seat
and baby, you're the best
I've got a front row seat and a backstage pass
and a meet and greet and an autograph
I've got a front! Row! seat!
To your awesomeness
Track Name: Wrapper's Delight
Listen up, people and hear the sound
of the best gift wrapper for miles around
I'm the king of wrapping and there ain't no higher
Santa's elves can call me sire

I can stick on ribbons, I can fill out tags,
I can wrap up packages, boxes and bags
I'm handlin' all of this paper but
I never even had a bad paper cut

I'll get these wrapped up, don't you worry.
I won't get distracted by the smell of the turkey
I use gift bags for the fancy wine
And paper for the stuff that I bought online

I got cards and tags that I fill out neatly
For the stuff that I snuck into the house discreetly
I got me a whole selection of tapes
And for the kids I use Saturday's comics page

What's in the box? You know not
Because I've obfuscated this gift that I got
You can try to guess it, no, I won't get annoyed
You can shake it, shake it, shake it like a polaroid

While you're in the other room humiliatin' a tree,
I'm gonna fold this corner and tape 'er
While you're hall-deckin'
The gift that you'll be gettin'
Is bein' wrapped in fancy paper

So put your finger right here in the middle of the knot
while I tie it up nice and tight
Then I slap on a bow
and hey whatcha know
that's the wrapper's delight

I like big bows and I cannot lie
They are so pleasing to the eye
All you other wrappers are just so pathetic
You don't pay attention to the esthetics

It's on and on and on an on
The wrapping don't stop 'till the break of dawn
I'm gonna go down in history
As the baddest gift wrapper there could ever be

If Christmas ain't your thing, that's allright
I can wrap enough for a whole eight nights
Kwanzaa, Diwali, or Solstice
They're all about the giving of gifts

I said a one, a two, and a one two three
Gonna put these presents underneath the tree
Then I'm gonna go and pop some corn
and wait right here until christmas morn

You should be thankful I exist
Because I'm the one who is the real gift
Yeah I'm the one who should be under the tree
Because the reason for the season is me

When I say ribbons, you say bows
Ribbons! (Bows!) Ribbons! (Bows!)

When I say North, you say pole
North! (Pole!) North! (Pole!)

When I say falling, you say snow
Falling! (Snow!) Falling! (Snow!)

When I say Ho Ho, you say Ho
Ho Ho! (Ho!) Ho Ho! (Ho!)

While you're in the other room humiliatin' a tree,
I'm gonna fold this corner and tape 'er
While you're hall-deckin'
The gift you're gettin'
Is bein' wrapped in fancy paper

So put your finger right here in the middle of the knot
while I tie it up nice and tight
Then I slap on a bow
and hey whatcha know
that's the wrapper's delight