The kids in Santa Carla are all lookin' pale
They got bad breath and long fingernails
They sleep all day and wear sunglasses inside
Seems they got a little tired of bein' alive
Muffy Tepperman is not bein' her usual square
Jack Baeur looks ridiculous with bleached-out hair

They got my grandson, his brother's mad as hell
He's living underground at the vampire hotel
The kid and Corey Haim and that other dumb fart
are gonna drive stakes through all of their hearts
There's a greased-up sax player and a terrible band
But the one thing about this town I never could stand
is all the damn vampires

Now I see 'em everywhere on my TV
But they're handsome and they glitter, pretty as can be
Nosferatu would rip Edward to bits
And True Blood is only good because of Sooki's tits
Spike would be allright if he were evil again
But the one thing on my TV that I wanna see end
Is all the damn vampires

Now they wear eyeliner and big black boots
They stomp around to music that goes oontz oontz oontz
Don't know where they will find a virgin in this town
but I thank the purple one for teaching me to count
I'll admit I'm part Goth on my mother's side
But the one thing about this club that I can't abide
Is all the damn vampires

Don't know why everyone is not as sick of them yet
But they're not as overdone as Zombies or dubstep

VONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE!
FIVE SHOTS AT ZE OUTRO! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!