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The Ballad of Han Solo (2018 Version)

from Slithery When Wet by Kraken Not Stirred

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about

The original version was the first track written and recorded by Kraken Not Stirred. I felt I could do better, so I made this version. If you've already bought the album, you can download this version for free at krakennotstirred.com/newisthenewold

lyrics

Listen up, people, gonna tell you 'bout
How a hero got made of a lecherous lout
A smuggler and a scoundrel who liked to bet
He lived by the gun and he liked to fight
But that space pirate saved my life
So I stuck by him to pay off my life debt

Off we went to Mos Eisley
That hive of scum and villainy
To chill out in a cantina, just relaxin'
The drinks were warm and the band was hot
Then again, there weren't much that was not
With two suns in the sky, I felt I needed a waxin'

We both had prices on our heads
An' I figured we'd both soon be dead
When we got to talkin' to a kid an' some old man
Well, Han was desperate and couldn't say no
When they offered up a buttload of dough
To fly them an' their droids to Alderaan

Then a bounty hunter came for some loot
so Han took his gun out of his boot
And killed that sucker dead right on the spot
And just one thing that I should mention
though I know that it's been a point of contention
Greedo never even took a shot

His name was Han Solo
Many credits he did owe
To a gangster out on Tattooine
So he took the boy
the old man and the droids
away to Alderaan for quite a fee

It was the weirdest ride since I can't remember
Turns out they were a couple of cult members
All the kid did was whine, complain and moan.
Whine about this and whine about that
But Han wasn't puttin' up with that crap,
He said, "Shut your mouth or you'll find yourself floatin' home

When we dropped outta hyperspace
Alderaan was gone and in its place
Was a bunch o' rocks just floatin' there an' here
A couple chunks bounced off the hood
Yeah, it was blowed it up real good
Crumbled just like Pete Mayhew's career.

Well, we couldn't get outta there too soon
But then we spotted a small moon
And a tractor beam got us before you know
All I could think was "what in tarnation"
Turned out the moon was a space station
And the tractor beam sucked more than Attack of the Clones

We saved a princess from her captors
Then we got stuck in a garbage compactor
Then she called me a walking carpet with a frown
We snuck around tryin' to not be seen
While the old man shut off the tractor beam
Then the Dark Lord went and struck the old man down

His name was Han Solo
Adventurin' he did go
Through outer space to planets near and far
He rescued the girl
And saved thousands of worlds
And got the plans to blow up the death star

We got back to the rebel base
On a moon in outer space
And I thought that they were all kinda nuts
They said "We're gonna kill Darth Vader"
But Han, he said, "I'll see you later."
And took his reward off to see the Hutts

I thought that foolishness was done
And we could stop bein' on the run
And maybe find a beach full of Wookiee poon
But he turned around and went right back
And hit them up with a surprise attack
And said, you're all clear kid, now shoot that metal moon

He never said why he went back
But I'm sure it was 'cause of Leia's rack
But they put it down to heroic selflessness
The kid bullseyed it good n' mean
Like a wamprat from a T-16
He scored the goal but Han got the assist

The rebels lined up and stood real still
It looked like Triumph of the Will
But everyone was happy as could be
We walked the aisle with our new friend
And R2 was all shined up again
And everyone got a stinkin' medal but me

His name was Han Solo
His small heart, it did grow
Three sizes that day, at least that's what he claims
He turned that rig around
And took it back uptown
And nearly got us killed to impress a babe

credits

from Slithery When Wet, released February 20, 2015

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Kraken Not Stirred Toronto, Ontario

Nerd Rock created by a monstrous sea creature and beamed into the head of its pathetic human minion.

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