Listen up, people and hear the sound
of the best gift wrapper for miles around
I'm the king of wrapping and there ain't no higher
Santa's elves can call me sire

I can stick on ribbons, I can fill out tags,
I can wrap up packages, boxes and bags
I'm handlin' all of this paper but
I never even had a bad paper cut

I'll get these wrapped up, don't you worry.
I won't get distracted by the smell of the turkey
I use gift bags for the fancy wine
And paper for the stuff that I bought online

I got cards and tags that I fill out neatly
For the stuff that I snuck into the house discreetly
I got me a whole selection of tapes
And for the kids I use Saturday's comics page

What's in the box? You know not
Because I've obfuscated this gift that I got
You can try to guess it, no, I won't get annoyed
You can shake it, shake it, shake it like a polaroid

While you're in the other room humiliatin' a tree,
I'm gonna fold this corner and tape 'er
While you're hall-deckin'
The gift that you'll be gettin'
Is bein' wrapped in fancy paper

So put your finger right here in the middle of the knot
while I tie it up nice and tight
Then I slap on a bow
and hey whatcha know
that's the wrapper's delight

I like big bows and I cannot lie
They are so pleasing to the eye
All you other wrappers are just so pathetic
You don't pay attention to the esthetics

It's on and on and on an on
The wrapping don't stop 'till the break of dawn
I'm gonna go down in history
As the baddest gift wrapper there could ever be

If Christmas ain't your thing, that's allright
I can wrap enough for a whole eight nights
Kwanzaa, Diwali, or Solstice
They're all about the giving of gifts

I said a one, a two, and a one two three
Gonna put these presents underneath the tree
Then I'm gonna go and pop some corn
and wait right here until christmas morn

You should be thankful I exist
Because I'm the one who is the real gift
Yeah I'm the one who should be under the tree
Because the reason for the season is me

When I say ribbons, you say bows
Ribbons! (Bows!) Ribbons! (Bows!)

When I say North, you say pole
North! (Pole!) North! (Pole!)

When I say falling, you say snow
Falling! (Snow!) Falling! (Snow!)

When I say Ho Ho, you say Ho
Ho Ho! (Ho!) Ho Ho! (Ho!)

While you're in the other room humiliatin' a tree,
I'm gonna fold this corner and tape 'er
While you're hall-deckin'
The gift you're gettin'
Is bein' wrapped in fancy paper

So put your finger right here in the middle of the knot
while I tie it up nice and tight
Then I slap on a bow
and hey whatcha know
that's the wrapper's delight